


I Know Your Soul

by PensToTheEnd



Series: Soulmates [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bond Crisis, Death of Jon and Pat in Past Lives, F/M, Hand Waving at Some Historical Accuracy, Homosexuality, M/M, Multi, Past Lives, Soul Bond, Soulmates, hockey players
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-02 13:30:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 35,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10219391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PensToTheEnd/pseuds/PensToTheEnd
Summary: Jonathan Toews believes he's found his soulmate.  He knows that it is his teammate, Patrick Kane.  Jon also believes that souls live on after a person dies, he knows that he and Patrick have shared many lifetimes together throughout history.  He remembers them.  He remembers because the bond between their souls is so strong.  His soul knows Patrick's soul.Why doesn't Patrick's soul recognize his....





	1. A Bond As Old As Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turva_auto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/gifts).



> So, I have this other 1988 story I started a while ago. Let's take it for a spin, shall we...
> 
> This isn't the prompt you gave me, working on that, but this is for turva-auto, I hope it brightens your days...

_A bond as old as time.  For centuries, their souls had managed to find each other, across time and space, always drawn one to the other.  Lifetimes spent searching, which ended with little time together.  Lifetimes spent together when they found each other early.  Maybe only enough lifetimes to be counted on both hands where they never found each other, their souls tried not to remember those times._

_Memories of their lifetimes together stayed with them, vague feelings when in actual human form, stronger visions during the between times.  There were several lifetimes when they had found each other early, when the bond that was formed was stronger than normal, strong enough to make them be able to remember those times even in human form._

_Sometimes their souls recognize each other right away, instantly knowing they are destined to be together.  Other times, the pull is clouded at first, blocked by some outside force, as if the powers that be were trying to keep them apart.  Eventually the clouds part and what is meant to be… is…_

_\------------------------_

“Jonathan Toews,” Jonny held out his hand.  “Nice to meet you.”

“Patrick Kane,” the smaller boy said as he shook Jon’s hand.  “You can call me Pat, or even Patty.  I answer to most anything.”

“Jon,” the other answered, “or Jonny.  I’m pretty easy, too.”

And that was the first time they met during this lifetime.  Oh sure, they had seen each other across the ice during tournaments.  Played hard against each other.  Checked each other.  But for whatever reason, the spark had never been lit.  The recognition never there.  No great force pulling them together.

Then in 2007, Patrick is drafted by the Chicago Blackhawks.  On the first day of rookie development camp, he is introduced to the Blackhawks first round draft pick from the previous year.  There is something familiar about Toews, but Patrick can’t place it, other than that he’s seen him play in international competition.  He puts it out of his mind and sets about putting all his effort into making the Blackhawks.

Jonny has seen this little hotshot from Buffalo, of all places, play hockey before.  He’s good.  He’s very good.  Over the course of development camp, Jonny gets to know Patrick better.  Like Pat, Jonny can’t quite put his finger on why they seem so comfortable around each other.

When this camp ends, they say good-bye, with the anticipation of seeing each other at training camp filling them both with a sense of happiness.

\--------------------------

_The first lifetime that he can remember happened when the world was very young.  They were two small humans born in a cave just days apart.  Growing up together, raised by two sets of loving parents.  Inseparable their whole lives.  He thinks this is where their souls truly bonded for the first time, but he’s not sure.  Not sure because he doesn’t have strong memories of anything before that lifetime.  The bond was strong though, so strong that when the other was killed when the earth shook one day, cracking open and swallowing him, he had jumped in the crevice to follow._

_\---------------------------_

“Maman, you believe in soulmates?” Jonny questions his mother.  He is sitting at the kitchen table reading over some material the Blackhawks sent him while she cooks dinner.

“Of course, Jonny.  You know I do.  Why do you ask?”

“I’ve told you about my dreams.  The ones where I am living in another time?”  Jonny closes his orientation binder.  “Do you think it’s possible?  I mean, is it possible I’m actually remembering other lives I’ve lived?”

“Oh, I don’t know, honey.  I don’t know that I believe in that.”

“But, you believe in souls, in soulmates.  And, so don’t you believe our souls live on even after our bodies die?”

She pauses, thinking for a moment.  “I guess that’s possible, dear.  What brought this up?  Do you think you’ve met your soulmate?”

“No.  I don’t think so.  I was just wondering.  Since I went to Chicago I’ve been having those dreams again.  I just wondered if it was possible.”

“You haven’t had those dreams in a while.  I think the last time was at World Juniors last year.  And now you had them again?”

“Yes, what are you thinking?” he asked as he saw her pondering what he’d said.

“Nothing.  I just find that interesting.” She said.  She didn’t want to get his hopes up, but maybe it was a sign.  Maybe his soulmate played hockey and when Jonny was near him the bond brought about the dreams.  Maybe there was truth to what Jonny asked, after all, that the soulmates knew each other because they had lived before.  She would have to do some research on that, maybe reconsider her beliefs. 

\-----------------------

_The second lifetime he remembered happened many centuries later.  He was born the son of a merchant in a warm, desert land.  His soul identifying the other the minute he spied him across the market square of the City of Alexandria.  The royal prince, still young and innocent, standing behind his father’s legs.  He knows that soul, but the prince doesn’t see him.  They make no connection for years, each growing up in lives as different as night and day._

_A month after his eighteenth birthday, he is working in his father’s market stall, keeping the records of daily sales.  A chariot pulls up in front of the store and he allows his gaze to look up at the Egyptians, expecting to see one of the overseers.  Instead his eyes lock on those of his soulmate, and he knows._

_“That one.  There.” The prince tells one of the other Egyptians.  “Have him brought to me tonight.”_

_That night he kneels at the foot of the prince’s bed, his head bowed, hands behind his back._

_“Joshua.”_

_A puff of warm breath hits his ear as the prince whispers his name into his ear._

_“That is a beautiful name.  For a beautiful soul.”_

_“Thank you, your highness.” Joshua, whispers back._

_“Alexander” the prince proclaims, stepping back from the other boy who kneels at his feet.  “You are to call me Alexander when we are alone.”_

_“Yes, your highness.”  Joshua raises his head, an impish smile on his lips.  He looks over the prince, now bathed and only a light bolt of cloth around his waist.  His skin is smooth, and tanned bronze.  His hair, no longer slicked down with oils and covered with a royal headpiece, is actually a dark, golden color, almost like the summer straw they use in the brick pits.  And his eyes are a piercing blue._

_“I’ve never seen an Egyptian with blue eyes and golden hair.”_

_“My father is Greek.” the prince explains.  “You know that.  You know who I am.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“I saw you, two days ago, when I was with my other father, the King.  And I knew.”_

_“I knew years ago, when I saw you.”_

_Alexander cups the other teen’s face in his hands.  “The gods have brought you to me, at last.”_

_He leans down, bringing their lips together._

_\---------------------------_

Training camp begins late in September and Patrick is excited to be on the ice again.  He’s also looking forward to skating with Jonny Toews again.  All he has thought about since development camp is how awesome they could be on a line together.  Toews at center, Pat on his left-wing.  Pat knows that the Hawks are banking on their two rookies to turn the franchise around.  Pat feels they can do it.

By the end of camp, they have both earned a spot on the roster.  Things are going smoothly and they settle into life in the NHL in Chicago.  Pat moves in with General Manager Stan Bowman and his family, while Jonny moves in with Brent Seabrook, one of the ‘Hawks veteran defensemen. 

The Hawks decide to make them roommates for road trips, however, which is fine with both boys.  They are getting along and their on-ice chemistry just keeps expanding exponentially. 

A month into the season, though, Jonny dreams about living in Russia.  He’s not sure of the time period.  The dream isn’t as real or vivid as some others.  The action in the dream is broken, not fluid, it jumps from scene to scene in his mind, like an unorganized play.  In the final scene that he remembers, he is riding a horse across a field.  He can hear the hoof beats and heavy breathing of another horse just behind him.  They cross the field and start into the woods, the other rider laughing. 

“Vladi, wait!” Jonny yells. 

He watches as the other horse and rider surge ahead of him, intending to jump a small stone wall that blocks their path.  He pulls up his horse.  Vladi doesn’t.  At the last minute the horse balks, sending his rider head first out over his neck.  Vladi crashes into the stone wall and crumbles to the ground, not moving.

Jonny wakes with a jolt in a cold sweat, his heart racing, his chest tight.

He looks over at the other bed in the hotel room, making out Pat’s sleeping form in the dim light.  And he knows.

“Vladi” Jonny whispers.


	2. Eric and Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, honey,” she tries to soothe his worries, “sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  I know it’s hard to believe that, but maybe, maybe Patrick’s soul isn’t going to be open to meeting you.”  
> “But.  But we’ve had so many lives together.”  
> His mother pauses at that, “I’ve thought about that, dear.  Since you told me about your dreams.  I’m still not sure I believe it, completely anyway, but there is a lot of research on it if you look.  It says what I’m trying to tell you.  Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen.  Especially, it says if the souls were ripped apart by something violent during their most recent life together.  Have you had any more dreams, or memories about your soul being with Patrick’s?”

Jonny feels lost.  He knows.  Patrick is his soulmate.  His.  The dream about Russia brings forth a wave of memories over the next few days.  Jonny seeing Patrick in their other lives together, at least those he can remember.  The times when the strength of their bond branded the memories of that time into their souls.

Alexander.  Vladimir.  Sam.  Micah.  Sean. 

Jon doesn’t know how he knows what he knows.  He just knows it.  Knows the other names by which he had called Patrick his love.  Jon can feel it deep down inside, in the very heart of his own soul if you will.  The strength of the bond in those other lives comes through now that he has been in such close proximity to Patrick’s soul. 

But Patrick doesn’t say anything, acts no differently towards Jon.  Why?  Why in this life has Patrick’s soul not recognized Jon’s yet?  How can it not hear Jon’s soul calling out to it?

\------------------------------------------------------

_The sounds of big guns shattered the quiet of the night, waking Sam Evans from a sound sleep.  Well, as sound as sound asleep as he’d managed to get in the past week.  It was hard to sleep too soundly stuck in a foxhole, in freezing temperatures, in the middle of Europe, with other guys shivering and coughing next to you._

_Where the fuck was Bastogne anyway?_

_It wasn’t his job to question the wisdom of the brass, but for the love of God, was this place really that important?  Well, okay, he guessed that maybe if there really were as many roads in and out of this place as they said, it was pretty important.  And he’d be damned if he’d fought so hard since D-Day to get this far that he’d let the Krauts push them back now._

_The trees overhead exploded, raining wood shards down on them.  They were dug in fairly deep, and had good coverage, some thick pine branches, pulled over the top of the hole.  Sam pulled his lid down snug on his head and hunkered down under the blanket to ride out this barrage._

_“Fuck, Sam.”  The body next to him stirs.  “Don’t they ever sleep?”_

_“It’ll be okay, Eric.” He slides an arm around the man next to him, pulling him in close.  Tonight, it is just the two of them in the foxhole together, a rare luxury since they’d arrived at this god-forsaken frozen hell.  Curt, who was usually with them was out at the forward post on guard duty._

_Eric Matthews was 20, a year younger than Sam.  They’d met at Toccoa two years early when they’d both reported for Airborne training.  The minute they’d met, the bond had hit them both.  When Eric had taken Sam’s hand out of common courtesy to shake, it had been like a bolt of lightning hit him.  Sam had felt the connection, too.  Soulmates._

_They had been inseparable since that day.  From Toccoa, through England in preparation for the invasion of Europe, then another jump for the ill-fated Operation Market Garden.  And now, in Bastogne, fighting back the latest push by the Germans._

_Eric was taller than Sam by a couple of inches.  Dark brown hair, almost black, a stark contrast to his fair, light skin.  Eric was quiet and shy, his dark eyes soft and warm.  No one understood the friendship he had with Sam, his complete opposite in every way.  Sam was out-going, boisterous, always smiling, his green eyes sparkling with a mischievous glint.  He had red hair and freckles dotted his face.  And Eric loved him with all his heart._

_Sam held Eric close to him, hoping their combined body heat under the blanket would help ward off the bitter cold.  Eric snuggled his head in against Sam’s neck, something he wouldn’t do unless they were alone._

_“Hope Curt’s okay.”_

_“Me too.”  Sam pulls the blanket up over their heads, trying to shut out the war._

_A shell explodes overhead, shaking the ground around them._

_“Fuck that was close.”  Eric is shaking._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------_

Practices.  Games.  Videos.  Bus rides.  Plane rides.  Hotel rooms. 

Torture.

Jon’s body feels electrified when he’s near Patrick, and he’s near him a lot.  It’s been a month since his dream about Russia, about Vladi.  They were together a long time in that life, Jon’s soul remembers.  Years of happiness together, that ended with an ill-fated horseback ride.  Jon, Petr, had lived several years after the accident.  Alone and longing for his lost love.  He wished his soul didn’t remember the sad parts of past lives.

He’s convinced now that past lives are a real thing, that your soul has lived many times before in human form.  He believes in soulmates, too.  He’s told his mother about Patrick, asking her why Patrick’s soul hasn’t recognized Jon as his soulmate.

“Oh, honey,” she tries to soothe his worries, “sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  I know it’s hard to believe that, but maybe, maybe Patrick’s soul isn’t going to be open to meeting you.”

“But.  But we’ve had so many lives together.”

His mother pauses at that, “I’ve thought about that, dear.  Since you told me about your dreams.  I’m still not sure I believe it, completely anyway, but there is a lot of research on it if you look.  It says what I’m trying to tell you.  Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen.  Especially, it says if the souls were ripped apart by something violent during their most recent life together.  Have you had any more dreams, or memories about your soul being with Patrick’s?”

“No, Maman.  I’ve been writing it down.  When I remember things.  I know some of his names, some of the names I’ve had.”  Jonny sighs into the phone.  “This is all so strange.  Sometimes I think it isn’t real, that I’m having some sort of mental problem. What would people think, my friends, if they knew.”

“It’s real to you, so it’s real.  Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.”  Andree’s voice is reassuring.  Talking to her has always comforted Jon.

That night Jon has another dream, the images vague and clouded though.  A ship.  A long sea voyage.  Micah.  He is with Micah in this life.  The last thing he remembers before waking up is looking at Micah’s face.  His hair white with age, deep wrinkles around his still bright, vibrant blue eyes.  He knows in this life that they grew old together.  The memory of the dream leaves him warm and happy as he lays in bed the next morning.

\-------------------------------------------------------

_“Why?  You’ve done your part.  Why would you volunteer to go?”  Eric can’t believe what Sam just told him._

_“Because it’s the right thing to do.”_

_“Don’t give me that bullshit, Sam.  It’s not.  This isn’t like fighting the Krauts.  This is, what the hell are they calling it, a police action? And for what?  Korea isn’t Germany.  They aren’t taking over the world, committing mass genocide.  You don’t need to go.”_

_Sam stands resolute, however.  He’s made up his mind.  “They need officers with experience.  I already signed up to go back in.”_

_Eric mopes for days, ignores Sam’s attempts to make him understand.  They survived everything.  D-day.  Bastogne.  Everything.  And they’d come home together to live their lives.  Now, Sam wanted to give that all up.  To go back into the military.  To go to Korea to fight.  Eric didn’t, couldn’t understand that._

_He wasn’t going to let them be separated, however.  So, a week later he comes home with news that he’s volunteered as well.  The stipulation to the recruiter is that he and Sam be stationed together because they are soulmates.  The army can do that, they say.  By the end of the month, they are on their way to officer candidate school.  Six weeks later, they ship out for Korea._

_­_ \------------------------------------------------------------

The season goes on, Jon and Patrick end up on a line together.  And it is magic.  It is as if they are connected, one always knowing where the other is on the ice.  Blind passes connecting.  Shots and goals following.  Jon knows why.  But he can’t tell anyone.

It’s not right to talk about a soul bond when one of the souls doesn’t know, hasn’t recognized its soulmate yet.  Jon researched the stories his mother told him, looked up the clinical research as well.  It all said what she told him, sometimes it happens.  There is no spark of recognition, there is no connection.

They are at practice in December, Jon and Patrick on different lines for a change, working on close-quarter puck work.  Patrick goes for the puck against the boards and Jon crowds in behind him, their bodies pushing against each other.  Jon feels Patrick stiffen suddenly.  He looks up from the puck and sees Patrick staring at him, wide-eyed and…

Jon thinks he sees it, thinks Patrick knows.  But then the look goes away as quickly as it came, and is replaced with something that looks more like fear in Patrick’s eyes.

“Peeks?  What’s wrong?”  Jon questions, stopping the drill.  Patrick just shakes his head vigorously and skates away, saying something to the trainer as he heads for the locker room.

Jon waits around after practice, hoping to talk to Patrick, to see what happened.  But Patrick doesn’t come back to his locker and Jon finally gives up and leaves.  Sharpy calls him later that night.

“They think Patrick has a concussion.”  He fills Jon in on what he’s heard.  “But, they aren’t sure.  He said he just got really dizzy and light-headed.  Then he felt sick to his stomach.  Now, I guess he’s got something along the lines of a migraine head-ache.  Stan thinks he might end up taking him to the hospital.”

Jonny knows what it is, wonders if this is enough for him to go against the rules and tell someone.  From his research, this has all the earmarks of a bond crisis.  It’s not just that Patrick’s soul isn’t recognizing Jonny’s, it’s that his soul is actually fighting against the bond.  What had happened to them in their last life together?


	3. Bond Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Pat, I know what’s going on.  I think, I think I can help.”   
> He reached out to touch Patrick lightly on the arm, it’s like touching an electric fence, and Jon pulls back sharply when Patrick cries out.  
> “Don’t!  Just go away Jonny,” Patrick cries, tucking himself up in to a tight ball.  “Please, just get out.”  
> Jon stood for a moment, staring at Patrick, worried and lost and not sure of what he should do to help.  If Patrick didn’t know Jon was his soulmate, Jon telling him would only make matters worse.  Or so that is what he’d always heard.  But to see Patrick hurting this way was more that Jon could take.  He had to do something.  
> Jon left Patrick to go and find the team doctors.  If he couldn’t tell Patrick what he knew, he could at least tell them.

****

Patrick lies in bed, the blinds drawn, his head buried under a pillow, nonetheless, trying to block out the light.  The headache is the worst he’s ever had in his life.  He doesn’t remember getting hit, nothing that would have caused a concussion.

He was on the ice, battling with Jonny for the puck when he’d suddenly felt a strange sensation.  When Jonny looked at him, the image of another man flashed in Patrick’s mind, causing him to freeze on the ice.  All he knew in that minute was that he had to get off the ice.  Had to get away from Jon. 

By the time he got to the locker room, he was dizzy and felt like he was going to toss his cookies any second.  The trainers didn’t know what was wrong, and until they ruled it out, they had to assume he had a concussion.  Stan had taken him home, but Patrick had gotten so bad in the middle of the night that they’d ended up in the Emergency Room.

All of his tests were negative for any physical injury, or signs of illness, but the team doctors decided to admit Patrick for observation, and maybe additional tests.  That was where he was when Jon came in to his room the next day.

“Peeks?”  Jon approached the bed cautiously, almost whispering as he spoke.  “Peeks, are you awake?”

“Go away, Jon.  Please.”  Patrick whimpered from beneath the pillow.

“Pat, I know what’s going on.  I think, I think I can help.” 

He reached out to touch Patrick lightly on the arm, it’s like touching an electric fence, and Jon pulls back sharply when Patrick cries out.

“Don’t!  Just go away Jonny,” Patrick cries, tucking himself up in to a tight ball.  “Please, just get out.”

Jon stood for a moment, staring at Patrick, worried and lost and not sure of what he should do to help.  If Patrick didn’t know Jon was his soulmate, Jon telling him would only make matters worse.  Or so that is what he’d always heard.  But to see Patrick hurting this way was more that Jon could take.  He had to do something.

Jon left Patrick to go and find the team doctors.  If he couldn’t tell Patrick what he knew, he could at least tell them.

\----------------------------------------------------------

“It’ll help ease the head ache, Patrick.”  Dr. Terry said as he stuck the needle in Patrick’s arm.

“So, you know what’s causing this?”  Patrick rubbed the spot when Terry pulled back.  “Do I have a brain tumor or something?  Or, just a concussion?”

“It’s not a tumor.  No need to worry about that.”  The doctor explained.  “We have ruled out a few things, but we still aren’t sure what’s causing it.  This medication, though, will treat the symptoms even if we don’t know the cause.  We just had to make sure it wasn’t a tumor or lesion before we tried it.”

“Okay.  I trust you guys, whatever.  Just so my head stops hurting.”

“We’ll need to give you a shot every day for a while, if it works.  You try to get some rest again, okay.  A nurse will be back to check on you in a little bit to see if this is helping.”  Terry patted Patrick on the leg as he got up to leave.  When he got out to the waiting room down the hall, he went straight to Jon.

“We’ll need to wait and see if this works, Jon.  If you’re sure about the bond crisis, we should know in about 30 minutes of so if this is going to alleviate Patrick’s symptoms.”  Terry tried to assure the very worried teenager in front of him that he had done the right thing in coming to him.  “Do you need anything?  This has to be hard on you, an unrequited bond is rough on both parties so I’m told.  I’d like to refer you to a specialist, just as a precaution.  She’ll be the person I’m consulting to treat Patrick, so we don’t have to tell him yet.  At some point, she’s going to have to see him in person, he’ll have to know if the bond doesn’t form on its own within a reasonable time.”

“I’m okay.  Nothing adverse or too bad, just this, I don’t know, tingling, like electric, when I’ve touched him a few times recently.”  Jon admits, then he hesitates for a minute, debating with himself about what he asks next.  “Doc T, do you believe that souls can live more than once?”

“You mean, do I believe in past lives?”

“Yeah?  Cause, well, I’ve had some dreams about things, and I’ve looked it up, and well, I guess I think that Patrick and I have been soulmates in other lives.”

“That’s an interesting idea.  It would be something to talk to Dr. Stewart about, the specialist.  I haven’t done a lot of work in that area, but, well, I guess personally I can believe it could be true.  It’s surprising that even with all we know about soul bonds, we still don’t understand how they work completely.  I mean, why sometimes souls don’t bond, or why, like Patrick souls have a bond crisis.  There are a lot of theories, and a lot of speculation about why, but we just don’t know for sure.  Maybe Dr. Stewart will have a better answer for you, or some more insight.”

Jon thanks Terry for listening, and for helping Patrick.  He sits back down to wait for the nurse to come let him know if Patrick wants visitors when, well if, this medication works.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Patrick closed his eyes when Dr. Terry left, hoping that whatever the doc gave him worked.  The pain in his head was like nothing he’d ever experienced.  Slowly Patrick felt the pain ebb away.  Slowly his mind eased and his breathing calmed and he drifted off to sleep for the first time in two days.

_“Petr.”  Vladimir strolls into the stable.  “Where are you?”_

_“Here, Vladi.” A voice calls to him from one of the stalls._

_Vladimir goes to stand by the gate to the stall of his favorite stallion, Vigo.  Petr is tightening the cinch on the large, black stallion’s saddle._

_“It’s a beautiful day, my love.  I thought we could go for a ride.”_

_“It’s snowing.”_

_“Not so hard that we can’t ride.  And the horses like it anyway, you’re just the one who thinks he can’t get wet.”  He leaves his task to walk over and slip his arms around Vladi’s waist, pulling him in for a soft kiss.  “It’s not too cold today, and I want to ride.  I’ve got them all saddled, so, please.”_

_“Okay.  We’ll go out.” Vladi leans up and kisses Petr again, then steps away from him to go and rub Vigo’s neck.  “It’ll be good to go for a ride, huh, my good boy.”_

_He is trailing behind as they cross the field and decides he wants to be the one to lead as they head into the woods on the far side.  He kicks Vigo lightly, urging him into a cantor and surging past Petr on his dark bay.  He sees the small stone wall, it will be an easy jump for Vigo, one they’ve done many times._

Patrick wakes with a jolt, sitting up straight and looking around the room frantically.

“It’s okay, Patrick.  I’m sorry.  I tried to wake you gently.  I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

Patrick turns to stare at the young nurse standing next to his bed.

“I was told check on your headache, to wake you if I had to.  Dr. Terry wants to know if the shot worked.”  She continues.

“Uh, yeah, okay,” Patrick’s breathing is slowly down and he’s starting to be able to focus.  He’s in the hospital, he remembers.  He looks around the room for a couple of minutes to get his brain to believe that, the dream had been so real.  “Uh, yeah.  It’s good, I mean, I think it worked, my head feels a lot better.  No pain at all.”

“That’s good.  Um, Jonathan Toews is out in the waiting room.  He was wondering if you’d be up to a visitor.  I can tell him no, if you want to just go back to sleep.”  She offers, fluffing his pillow as he lies back down.

“No.  Tell Jonny to come in.  Thanks.”

A few minutes later, he opens his eyes when he hears a noise near the door.  Jonny is sticking his head around the corner of the entrance, shyly smiling at Patrick.

“Hey,” Pat smiles back.  “Come on in.”

“How do you feel, Peeks?”

“Better.  Shouldn’t you be napping or something, game tonight, right?”  Patrick asks. 

“Yeah, I’ll get there.  Just wanted to make sure you were doing better.  Um, any idea what made you sick yesterday?”

“Nope.  One minute I’m fine, next I’m wanting to puke.  Doc T said he thinks maybe a concussion.”  Patrick watches Jon fidget at the end of the bed.  “Whatever he gave me seems to be working.  I’m feeling a lot better, just tired.”

“I should let you get some sleep, then.”  Jon offers, starting to turn.  “I’ll get out of here and talk to you later.”

“Don’t go.  Could you, do you think you could just sit with me for a while?”  Pat’s request surprised Jon.  “I was kind of an ass earlier, yelling at you, but my head hurt so bad.  So, maybe, you can stay now and just talk to me for a bit.  I’m gonna miss the game and all.”

Jon wonders if he should, if his being close to Patrick will bring back the head ache and other symptoms.

“Please, Jonny.  Just talk to me ‘til I fall asleep again.  I’m pretty tired, so it won’t be too long.”

“Okay, Peeks.”  Jonny sits down in the chair next to the bed.  “For a little bit.”

Jon tells him all about the morning, pre-game skate and how all the guys are worried about him, but thought it was best not to all come to the hospital.  Patrick tries to stay awake as Jon goes on about Sharpy playing a joke on Duncs that morning, but his eyelids get too heavy and he drifts off to sleep.

Jon sits and watches him in silence for a little while, until he is sure Patrick is sleeping soundly.  He stands and lets his fingers just brush against Patrick’s arm before stepping away from the bed to leave.

“Petr.”

Jon turns back with a start at the word, hoping.  But Patrick is still sound asleep.  Jon realizes Patrick’s dreaming when he sees his eyes flutter and the name escapes his lips again.  He leans over and lightly kisses Patrick’s forehead.

“I’m here, Vladi.” He whispers against Patrick’s warm skin, then he straightens.  “Let the memories come, Patrick.  Please, god, let him remember.”


	4. What If...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick gets up to get more milk.  “I just was wondering.  I guess if I’m supposed to find somebody I will, whether they’re my soulmate or not, huh.”  
> “I know you will.”  She walked over and kissed his forehead.   
> “But, what if I have a soulmate and I fall in love with someone else before I meet them?  What would I do then?”

_The sea was calm this night, for the first time since they left England a fortnight ago, sailing for the colonies.  Micah was thankful for that, his stomach even more so.  This was his second voyage to the Massachusetts Bay Colony, and hopefully his last.  He planned on staying this time.  Staying in New England with Christian.  Making a life there with Christian._

_His hope was that they could find some small piece of land where they could build a home, grow crops, and live together privately, away from judgement and hate and having to live in fear because of their love.  It didn’t matter that they were soulmates.  It was not forbidden for two men to have more than a platonic bond, but that did not mean it was accepted in their home towns._

_They were serving as deckhands on the voyage to pay their way.  For the most part, they worked the sails and ropes during the night, sleeping below deck during the day, always careful to not show too much affection to each other when they could be seen by the rest of the crew.  It was going to be a long voyage, but once they got to the Americas, they could live their lives together._

_The Rachel was carrying supplies to the Massachusetts Bay Colony, no passengers on this run.  The Captain wanting to make a quick turnaround.  They were still a good month and a half to two months out.  Micah had sailed the first time with passengers on board.  He’d been trying to escape his family, to start a new life.  But he’d missed Christian so much that he knew he had to go back and bring him along.  It was when he went back that they realized they were soulmates._

_Micah looked across the deck, the bright, full moon making it almost like day.  He easily made out Christian standing along the far rail, keeping eye on the sails.  He made his way to stand next to him._

_“I’m glad it’s calm finally,” he muses, “I don’t think I’d survive if the whole trip was as bad as the first two weeks have been.”_

_“I thought you would be use to this, having done it before.”  Christian reaches out to touch Micah’s arm.  “Were you able to eat tonight at least?”_

_“Finally.  And I’ve not lost it over the side.”_

_Christian laughed, “Well that is a good thing.”_

_Micah marveled that the rough seas didn’t seem to effect Christian at all.  In fact, he seemed to actually be thriving on his first ever voyage._

_“I love this.” Christian said, as if reading Micah’s thoughts.  “The spray of the ocean on my face.  The calm tonight.  The moon is so bright and everything is clear.  Look how far you can see tonight, Micah.  Miles and miles of sea.  Did I tell you I was sure I saw a whale last night? When.  you were too sick to come up on deck”_

_“That would be an amazing thing to see.”_

_Micah wished they were alone.  Wished he could just wrap Christian up in his arms and kiss him, long and deeply, right here under this beautiful sky on this beautiful night.  Soon, he thought.  It might seem like an eternity, but two months was hardly anything in the whole scheme of things._

_“Micah, do you really think we’ll be able to be together?  I mean, do you think things will really be different in the colonies?”  Christian asked quietly, dipping his head to stare at the deck._

_“I don’t know.  But I hope so.”_

_\--------------------------------------------------------­_

Patrick woke from the dream slowly, wanting to hold on to the feelings it brought as long as he could.  The details weren’t there, however, just hazy images that faded as he became more awake.  It was the second strange dream, a dream about another time, that Patrick had had recently, since the headache incident actually.  He’d dreamed one or the other every night, in fact.  The other, about Russia, had been a nice dream at the beginning, but Patrick always woke up shaking and afraid.  This dream, about sailing on a large ship across the ocean, left Patrick feeling warm and safe, and happy.

He’s back on the ice a week after he gets out of the hospital, the daily shots able to control the physical symptoms.  On the advice of Dr. Candace Stewart, the soul-bonding specialist, Dr. Terry told Patrick that he was suffering from migraine headaches brought on by stress and possibly a concussion.  As long as his tests, namely MRIs, x-rays, EEGs, and the like came back clear, and they could control the symptoms with the medication, Dr. Terry would clear Patrick to play.

Patrick didn’t quite understand it all, asking over and over if they were sure it wasn’t a serious problem.

“I have cancer, Jonny.”  Patrick tossed his bags on the hotel bed.  They were in New York City, the first stop on a week-long, three-game road trip.   “I know it.  Or a tumor.  It’s something serious and they aren’t telling me.”

“Relax, Peeks.  You don’t have cancer, or anything like that.”  Jon told him, for the hundredth time.  “You know they wouldn’t let you play if it was something serious.”

“They would.  What if they made a mistake?  Or read some test result wrong?  I’m dying and they don’t know.”

“Oh my god, Patrick.  Do you hear yourself?  Seriously,” Jonny groaned.  Patrick could be so over dramatic about things.  “Will you stop.”

Jon was thankful that the medication allowed him to be around Patrick without any ill effects.  He’s not sure what the Blackhawks would have done if two of their players couldn’t be in the same room with each other.  At least it hadn’t been a problem so far, when they were only together during practices or in the locker room.  Rooming together, sustained close contact, would be the real challenge.  At first, Terry wasn’t sure he should allow it, but they thought a change in routine would make Patrick more suspicious, and hence, more worried.

Dr. Stewart had met with Jon, Dr. Terry, and Stan Bowman a couple of days after Jon informed them of the possibility that Patrick was his soulmate, and that there was likely a bond crisis.  Her recommendation was to avoid telling Patrick about it, to see if, with time, his soul would become open to the bond.  Waiting, given that the medication seemed to be working, would offer the most positive outcome for Patrick and Jon.  As a last resort, she said, they could tell Patrick and try to force the bond.  That could have disastrous effects for both of them, particularly Patrick.

“I’ve seen it cause severe mental and physical breakdowns for the person who is having the bond crisis if you try to force the bond.  Things that people never recover from if it goes wrong.”  She informed them.

“What causes this?” Bowman had asked.  “I guess I don’t know that much about soulmates.”

“Well, you know that not everyone has a soulmate.  But that if you do, and the souls find each other, they usually form a bond.”  She explained.  “Sometimes, for whatever reason, they don’t.  It happens.  In even rarer cases, though, one of the souls actually physically rejects the other soul.  Think of it like if an organ donor’s body rejects the transplant.  It can cause physical issues such as Patrick had.”

“Why would a soul reject its mate?”  Bowman looked confused.  He looked over at Jon who sat with his head down.  “I’m sorry, Jonathan.  This must be very hard on you.”

Jon nodded slightly.

“Well, I spoke with Jon yesterday,” Dr. Stewart continued.  “I hold to a theory that, well, from what Jon’s told me, may hold some truth.  I believe that our souls are eternal, and that they take human form in many different life times.  That we’ve all lived before.  So, if you have a soulmate, the souls will be drawn to each other, will try to find each other in the different lives.”

“So then, Patrick’s soul and Jon’s have been together before?”  Bowman nods, slowly.  “Shouldn’t that make them want to be together, not, well, not doing what they’re doing?”

“Something may have happened in their most recent past life.  Something tragic, that tore their souls apart violently.”  Jon’s soul doesn’t remember or wasn’t as harmed.  But Patrick’s remembers and is now fighting another bond.  It’s all theoretical, of course, but it’s a place to start if we are going to get Patrick better and off the medication.”

“We can’t just keep him on it?”  Bowman looked at Terry, who shook his head.

“The soul will keep fighting.  Eventually it will overwhelm the medication.  You see this when treating cancers, the medication slows the progress, but eventually…”

Jon can’t listen to anymore, he gets up and walks out.  Bowman sees him reach up and wipe his eyes.

“Dr. Stewart,” he turns to her, “whatever you need.  Whatever you can do to help.  Please.  We need to do everything we can or I’m afraid we’ll lose both of them.  And I don’t mean just lose them from the team.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New York went well, Patrick showed no ill effects sharing a room with Jon.  Jon didn’t notice Patrick behaving any differently around him either.  The second stop on their trip was Buffalo.  Patrick was looking forward to getting to see his family, who had all been worried when he’d ended up in the hospital.  It had taken a lot of talking to convince his mom to not just get on a plane and fly to Chicago.

Patrick sat in his parents’ kitchen eating some cookies his mother had baked for him.  He had a couple of hours after the Hawks’ practice before he had to be back for a team dinner.  He’d thought about asking if he could spend the night at home, but decided he’d get more rest for the game the next day if he just stayed at the hotel.  But he did go home for a short visit.

“So, why didn’t you bring Jonny?” his mother questioned.  She’d met Jon when she’d visited Chicago at the beginning of the season.

“I wanted to just be able to visit with you guys.”

“Ah, okay.”

“I wish the girls were here.  Would’ve liked to see them.”  Patrick took another cookie.

“To bad you could only come while they were at school.  They’ll be with us at the game tomorrow, though.  You’ll see them then.”

“I know,” Patrick sighed.  “Can I ask you something, Mom?”

“You know you can ask me anything, honey.”

“You and Dad are soulmates, right?  Do you think, well, do you think I have a soulmate out there somewhere?”

Donna Kane paused for a moment, having been told by Dr. Terry about Patrick’s condition and advised not to talk about it.  She would need to choose her words carefully.

“I hope you do, honey.  Your father and I want all of you to be able to have what we have.  Why are you asking now?  You’ve never talked about it before.”

“I don’t know.  I just feel like I may be one of those people who doesn’t ever find their person.  Stan and his wife aren’t soulmates.  It’s different living with them.  You know, not like it is with you.”

“But they love each other, I’m sure.  There isn’t a problem in their home is there, something that makes you not want to live with them?”

“No.  No, they’re great.  They’ve been really good to me.”  Patrick gets up to get more milk.  “I just was wondering.  I guess if I’m supposed to find somebody I will, whether they’re my soulmate or not, huh.”

“I know you will.”  She walked over and kissed his forehead. 

“But, what if I have a soulmate and I fall in love with someone else before I meet them?  What would I do then?”

“You love the person you love.  Sometimes, I’ve read, soulmates meet but don’t fall in love.  They have a platonic relationship.”  She slipped her arm over his shoulders.  “Oh, honey.  Don’t worry about it.  Whatever is supposed to be will be.”

Patrick hugged her, then went back to the table to have some more cookies.  Donna wondered what had prompted her son to ask those questions, maybe he was starting to accept the bond that Dr. Terry told her about.  She hoped that was the case. 

Dr. Terry hadn’t said who Patrick’s soulmate was, just that the person was part of the Hawks’ organization and that was how they learned about the bond crisis.  Donna hoped that his soulmate was the person she knew he liked.  She knew her son well, and she knew he had been infatuated with one Jonathan Toews since meeting him at development camp last summer.  Maybe that was the crisis, he wasn’t attracted to his soulmate, but was instead attracted to Jon.  She would have to talk to Dr. Terry and let him know about Patrick’s questions.


	5. I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon isn’t sure if he should stay.  Not just stay next to Patrick, but he wonders if he should even stay in the room.  He’s guessing something about him, some glint of memory, made Patrick sick.  Jon starts to get up off the bed.  
> “Please,” Patrick whispers, “please could you just stay and, I don’t know, just do what you were doing?  With your fingers in my hair?”  
> Jon’s reluctance, and maybe confusion, must show, because Patrick reaches out from under the blankets to rest his hand over Jon’s as it lies on his thigh.  
> “My mom, when I was sick, would do that.  Could you, just?”

The third game of the road trip finds them in New Jersey playing the Devils.  The night before the game, Jon and Patrick stay in, ordering room service and just hanging out.  They’re laying side by side on Jonny’s bed, heads propped up on pillows, watching some show on HGTV that Jon likes, but Patrick is less than interested in at the moment.

“Can’t we watch something else?”  Pat bemoans.

“I’ve got the remote.  You lost at practice, so, no.  We can’t watch something else.”

Patrick laid there for a few minutes before kicking Jon in the shin.  “Turn.”

“No.  Don’t start.”

Patrick kicks him again.  This time, Jon kicks him back.  Patrick reaches for the remote laying on Jon’s chest.  Jon swats at his hand.  It is all of thirty seconds before they are in a full-on wresting match for control of the TV remote.  Patrick ends up on his back, underneath Jon, who straddles Patrick’s hips and has his hands pinning Patrick’s shoulders to the bed.  Patrick has the remote in his hands, holding it above his head. 

Jon feels Patrick freeze underneath him, his whole body going stiff.  He’d been looking up at the remote in Patrick’s hands, trying to figure out how to keep Patrick held down while he reached for it.  He looked down at Patrick when he felt him tense.  Patrick is staring up at him, but his face is blank, expressionless.

“Peeks?” Jonny says.  He sits back on his heels, taking his hands off Patrick’s shoulders.  “Peeks, what’s wrong?”

Patrick blinks a few times, then he shakes his head.  Suddenly he is all motion under Jon, bucking up with his hips, pushing at Jon with his hands, the remote lost on the bed.

“Get off me!  Let me up!”

“Pat?” 

Get up, Jon!  Get the fuck off me!”  Patrick rolls out from under Jon when he moves, scrambling off the bed and darting for the bathroom.

Jon doesn’t react right away, stunned by Patrick’s actions.  The slamming of the door startles him back to reality.  He gets up and goes to stand by the door.  He can hear Patrick getting sick on the other side.

“Pat?  Are you okay?  Can I come in?”

He gets no response, but hears Patrick throwing up again.  Tentatively he opens the door and looks in.  Patrick is kneeling over the toilet.  Jon steps in and goes to stand by Patrick, leaning over he brushes Patrick’s curls back off his head and then keeps his hand on Patrick’s forehead, supporting it.

When Patrick thinks he is finally done, he sits back and lets his body lean against Jon’s legs.  Jon hands him a towel and Patrick wipes his mouth and face off.  He gently brushes his fingers through Patrick’s hair.

“Okay?”

Patrick nods his head, letting Jon help him up off the floor.  He stops to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash, Jon’s hand resting protectively, comfortingly on the small of his back.  Finally, he lets Jon guide him back out to the main room.  Jon tucks him in to his bed and Patrick lays with his eyes closed.

“Do you have a headache?  Do I need to get one of the trainers? Or Doc T?”

“No.  I’m okay now.”  Patrick assures Jon.  “I don’t know.  No headache.  I just got sick to my stomach and, I don’t know.  But I’m okay, Jon.  I swear, no headache or anything.”

Jon isn’t sure if he should stay.  Not just stay next to Patrick, but he wonders if he should even stay in the room.  He’s guessing something about him, some glint of memory, made Patrick sick.  Jon starts to get up off the bed.

“Please,” Patrick whispers, “please could you just stay and, I don’t know, just do what you were doing?  With your fingers in my hair?”

Jon’s reluctance, and maybe confusion, must show, because Patrick reaches out from under the blankets to rest his hand over Jon’s as it lies on his thigh.

“My mom, when I was sick, would do that.  Could you, just?”

Jon shifts so that he’s propped up against the headboard, his legs stretched out next to Patrick.  Patrick moves so that his head is resting on a pillow on Jon’s lap.  Jon lets his fingers lazily twist at the soft curls of Patrick’s hair.  It doesn’t take long for Patrick to fall asleep, but Jon doesn’t move, doesn’t disturb him.  He sits like that, until his eyelids get heavy and he himself drifts off to sleep, still sitting with Patrick’s head in his lap.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_“Sam!  Sam!”  Eric can’t see him.  He knows that Sam was behind him just a second ago.  He looks around frantically as the rest of his unit scrambles for cover.  Another shell goes off not far away, so he follows one of his comrades towards a bunch of boulders about 20 yards away.  As he’s running, he looks to his left and sees what he didn’t want to see._

_“Sam!” He breaks off from his group and goes to where Sam lays on the ground, a bright red spot spreading across his stomach.  “Oh god, no!”_

_Eric drops to his knees next to Sam, ripping open his uniform to expose the wound.  A piece of shrapnel sticks out from Sam’s skin.  When Eric looks at Sam’s face, Sam is looking up at him.  Oh thank god, he thinks, he’s not dead._

_“You gonna sit there, or help me get behind those rocks,” Sam grits out._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Patrick’s eyes snapped open. 

The room was dark.  It took several seconds for him to remember where he was, what had happened.  He reached up and rubbed his eyes.  This dream had been so much more real than the other two.  It wasn’t like he was watching a movie, it was more like he was actually in the movie.  Like he was one of the characters.  Everything he saw was from the perspective of this character in his dream.  This Sam.

As he woke up more, he realized that Jon wasn’t still next to him.  He tried to make his eyes focus in the dim light, eventually making out Jon’s form in his own bed.  He looked at the clock on the stand next to the bed.  It wasn’t even four o’clock yet, they had a few hours before they’d need to be up.  Patrick rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Cold.  Oh god, he’s so cold.  Even though he can feel Eric’s arms around him, the night air is still chilling him to his bones.  His gut feels like it’s on fire, however.  They bandaged him up and gave him some morphine for the pain, but it wore off a couple of hours ago._

_They are hunkered down in a bunch of rocks on the side of a hill, waiting for reinforcements to arrive in the morning.  They hoped._

_“Hey, you’re awake.”  Eric tugged him in tighter.  “And you’re shivering.  Do you want me to wake, Doc?”_

_“No.  It’s just so fucking cold.”_

_“How’s your wound?  Bleeding stop?”_

_Sam stops Eric’s hand from reaching down to pull his uniform away.  He knows it hasn’t stopped bleeding.  He knows._

_“It’s okay.  Just have to hold on for a few more hours.”_

_“You’re gonna be fine.  I promise.  I’m getting you out of here.”_

_Sam doesn’t argue with him.  Doesn’t tell Eric that he knows this isn’t going to end well.  Instead he settles back into Eric’s arms and closes his eyes._

_“Okay.  We’ll get out of here, Eric.  You’ve never let me down yet.”_

_Eric kisses the top of Sam’s head, and they both try to go back to sleep._

_\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Patrick wakes up the next morning feeling better physically, but the dreams he’d had leave him feeling a little shaky.  He tries to just put it out of his mind as they get ready for the game against the Sabres.  His whole family will be there watching and he wants to have a good game.

He ends up getting a goal and an assist as the ‘Hawks beat the Sabres 4-1.  After the game, he gets a short visit with his family, finally getting to see his sisters.  He feels better about everything when he gets on the plane to fly back to Chicago later that night.

The days turn into weeks and there is little change in Patrick’s condition.  He’s still getting shots every day, and aside from getting sick to his stomach every now and then, it’s been all good.  He hasn’t told anyone about the dreams, sure that they’d think he was nuts.  Maybe it’s just a side effect of the medication, making him have weird, unexplained dreams.

Christmas comes.  Patrick’s family comes to Chicago, while Jon flies home to Winnipeg for the three days the ‘Hawks have off.  Patrick looks forward to a few days of being Jon free.  Don’t get it wrong, he likes Jon, and he really likes that Jon wants to make sure he’s okay, but Jon has been like an overprotective mother hen ever since Patrick got sick the first time.  A couple of days without Jon hovering will be good, so he thinks.

Christmas Eve goes okay.  The girls keep him busy as they decorate the Christmas tree they made him buy.  Christmas morning goes okay.  They wake up early, like always, and open presents, then his mom fixes them all a big breakfast with pancakes, eggs, sausage, and bacon.  Patrick is so glad he’s getting a cheat day, it’s not like he can’t have these things, but he eats way more than he should.

By that night, though, he is missing Jon.  Really missing Jon, like something deep down in him just wants to have Jon in the same room.  He thinks it’s just because they’ve spent so much time together over the past couple of months.  He tries to not think about It, but around 10:30 he gives in and calls Jon.

“Patrick?  Merry Christmas.  Is everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah.  Merry Christmas, Jonny.  How was your day?  Get lots of good stuff?” 

“Yeah.  It was great.  Maman got something for you, I’ll get it to you when I get home.”

“That’s sweet.  She didn’t have to.  Mom got you something, too, of course.”

“Is everything okay, Peeks?”

“I, uh, I just wanted to say Merry Christmas,” Patrick’s voice got quieter, softer.  “I, uh, I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” 

“Anyway.  I’ll, uh, I’ll let you go, okay.  It’s late and all, and…”

“Okay.  I’ll see you in a couple of days.  I fly in late tomorrow night.”

“I could, I could pick you up at the airport.”

“You don’t have to, I’ll just take a taxi.”

“No.  No.  It’s fine.  I don’t mind.”  Patrick sounds more excited than when he first called.  “I’ll pick you up.  Just text me the flight info.  Okay.”

“Okay, Peeks.  I’ll see you tomorrow then.  Sleep well, and Merry Christmas again.”

“Night, Jonny.  Merry Christmas.”

Jon hung up the phone, a huge smile on his face.  Patrick missed him.  That had to be a good sign.  Maybe Patrick’s soul was starting to let the wall down.  Maybe.


	6. I Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What?”  Patrick asks, something about Jon’s words not sounding right to him.  
> “I said I promise.  I’ll make sure we’re together.”  
> I promise.  I promise.  I promise.  
> Patrick hears the words and something in his brain goes off, like a wire short-circuiting.  A strange look comes over Patrick’s face and for a minute Jon thinks he knows, that finally the bond has hit.  Patrick, however, grabs for his head and falls to the floor, whimpering in pain.  
> “My head.  Jonny, please.”

The new year brought more of the same for Jon.  Moments when he thought Patrick’s soul was on the verge of recognizing his soul, only to have it all slip away again.  And… yet.

Jon and Patrick grew closer as the days passed.

They started spending even more time together, hanging out off the ice at home as well as on the road.  Jon would go to the Bowman’s to play video games, or help Patrick babysit Stan’s kids if they had an off day.  But more often, Patrick would be at Brent Seabrook’s to hang with Jon there.  By the middle of February, Brent has taken to finding an excuse to get out of the house and leave the two boys alone.

The physical contact increased as time went on, too.  It started after the New Jersey game in December, with Patrick seeking small touches from Jon at different times.  Little reassuring, or perhaps, comforting touches.  When on the road, Patrick would lie next to Jon and Jon would do what he’d done, run his fingers lazily through Patrick’s curls.  On the bus and plane, they’d sit together and Patrick would lean his shoulder against Jon’s. 

Patrick didn’t know why, but touching Jon grounded him.  Made him feel better.  He didn’t get sick as often and as he thought back, he figured out that before he’d only gotten sick when he was with Jon.  Somewhere around the end of February, that had changed and he started feeling sick when he wasn’t with Jon.

Pat, poor, clueless about some things Patrick, attributes it to one thing.  He’s fallen in love with Jonathan Toews.  He doesn’t think that Jon is his soulmate.  He’s never heard of souls not bonding when they met, or within a relatively short time after meeting.  He’s known Jon for months.  They are together every day.  Surely, they would have bonded by now if they were soulmates, so it they must not be.  And that makes Patrick worry about what will happen when he does meet his soulmate, because there is no way he will love that person the way he loves Jon.  He’s sure of it.

The dreams come almost every night now, as well.  There are several, but primarily he dreams about Russia, living in the American colonies, and being a soldier.  Those are the dreams that leave him feeling the most unsettled, dreams about being in World War II and the Korean Conflict.  Pat doesn’t know why those dreams are different.  He still hasn’t told anyone about the dreams, afraid of what they’ll think.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

The beginning of March they have a four-game home stand with two whole off days.  That’s a rarity for March they are told by their teammates.  They take advantage of it by spending the day playing video games at Brent’s.  The veteran is out doing something with Duncs or Sharpy or someone.  They don’t remember who he said as he hustled out the door shortly after Jon arrived.

Patrick was kicking Jon’s ass at Mario, up five games to one, when they decided to take a break to get some food.  Jon goes to the fridge to see what Brent has as far as leftovers go, he’s bent over looking in the back of the shelves.

“Not much in here.  Maybe we should just order in.  Wait.  What’s this.” He pulls a container out eyeing it suspiciously, scrunching his nose at it.  “Um, no.  I have no clue what this is.”

He stands up and turns around, “So, order?”

Patrick is standing across the kitchen staring blankly at Jon, well, in Jon’s direction anyway.  The tip of Patrick’s head, and where his eyes are focused can mean only one of two things.  Patrick was staring at nothing, just lost in thought, or he was staring at Jon.  At Jon’s ass to be precise.

“Peeks?”

Patrick startles when Jon steps towards him, his whole face turning bright red in a flush that spreads down his neck and disappears into the collar of his t-shirt.  Patrick turns away from Jon quickly, trying to hide his embarrassment, which is a telltale sign to Jon that Patrick had been caught checking out Jon’s booty.  Jon laughs.

He strides over to Patrick and puts his hands on the counter on either side of Patrick, pressing up against his back and trapping him.  “So, like what you see?”

“Stop it.  I wasn’t…”

“Oh, yeah you were.  You were checking out my amazing hockey ass.  Can’t fool me.”  Jon leans his head in, whispering into Patrick’s ear.  His hot breath makes the hair on the back of Patrick’s neck stand up, tingles spreading down his spine causing him to involuntarily arch his back and push his hips back against Jon’s.  He pulls away quickly.

“I wasn’t.” Patrick says again, tensing when Jon presses their hips together again.  “And it’s not that amazing.”

“Really?”  Jon acts like he’s trying to turn and look at his own behind.  “I think it is.  As good as Crosby’s even.”

Patrick snorts.  “Not even close.”

“And, yet, you were looking.  Staring.” 

Patrick squirms, turning around to face Jon, still trapped against the counter top, caged in by Jon’s arms and body.  He tips his head down, trying not to look up into Jon’s eyes, knowing that his own eyes would betray him.

“Peeks?” Jon says softly, bringing his lips close to Patrick’s forehead.

“Would you be upset if I was looking?”

“Peeks.  Patrick.  Look at me.”

Patrick carefully raised his head.  His heart racing.  His eyes clenched shut.  Slowly his eyelids flutter open.  Jon’s face is just inches away from his.  Jon’s eyes are soft, dark and inviting.  Patrick’s lips part slightly, as if he is going to say something, but his words are cut off when Jon’s lips press against his. 

The kiss is everything Patrick has been dreaming of for the past few weeks, ever since he figured out he was falling in love with Jon.  His lips part even more to let Jon’s tongue slip past them, to let it lick into his mouth, his own tongue pushing back against Jon’s.

Patrick’s mouth chases Jon’s when he pulls back, not wanting the kiss to end.

“Jonny,” he whispers.  He brings his arms up to drape over Jon’s shoulders and encircle his neck, his hands on the back of Jon’s head, gently encouraging him back into another kiss.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon wasn’t sure what he expected to happen when he kissed Patrick that first time.  Fireworks.  Shockwaves.  For the clouds to part.  For the heavens to sing.

What did happen was… nothing.

The fact that they’d kissed didn’t change anything as far as being soulmates.  It did change his relationship with Patrick.  They ended up just kissing on Seabs’ couch the rest of the afternoon.  That’s where he found them when he came home, entwined in each other’s arms.  He made some comment about them not defiling his couch and then disappeared into his bedroom.

That had been three weeks ago.  Three short weeks to Patrick.  Three very long weeks to Jon.  On top of it, the season was winding down and it was clear the ‘Hawks wouldn’t be going to the playoffs this year.  Jon worried about what the off-season would mean for his relationship with Patrick.

Patrick worried about it, too.  At Christmas, he’d felt a little smothered by Jon’s seemingly constant attention.  Now, he couldn’t imagine going more than a day without seeing Jon.  In addition, he was worried because they were getting closer to taking the next step in their relationship, as well.  So far, all they had done was kiss.  A lot.  And maybe a little heavy petting.  But nothing more and no skin to skin.  Patrick was the one holding them back, afraid to let this go anywhere.  Still afraid of loving Jon and then meeting his soulmate.  Afraid of having to choose.  Afraid of losing Jonny.  Why couldn’t this have happened early in the season, he thinks, when he’d have more time to sort out his feelings. 

The beginning of April brings their last game of the season and clean out day.  Jon is sitting in his stall packing up his equipment bag.  Patrick is next to him in his own stall, fidgeting with a roll of tape.

“It’s gonna be a long summer.” He says, chucking the tape into his bag.

“Not that long.  I’ll come to Buffalo to visit.  You can come to Winnipeg.”  Jon shoves his pads into his bag.  “I’ll take you to the lake.”

Patrick shrugs his shoulders, “Whatever.  It won’t be the same as seeing you all the time.”

“It’ll be okay, Peeks.”  Jon sits up and puts his hand on Patrick’s thigh, giving it a light squeeze.  “I promise.  We’ll be together.”

“What?”  Patrick asks, something about Jon’s words not sounding right to him.

“I said I promise.  I’ll make sure we’re together.”

_I promise.  I promise.  I promise._

Patrick hears the words and something in his brain goes off, like a wire short-circuiting.  A strange look comes over Patrick’s face and for a minute Jon thinks he knows, that finally the bond has hit.  Patrick, however, grabs for his head and falls to the floor, whimpering in pain.

“My head.  Jonny, please.”

“Somebody find a trainer.  Call 9-1-1.”  Sharpy yells as Jon falls to his knees next to Patrick.

“Pat?  It’s okay.  Pat!”  Jon tries to talk to him, but Patrick writhes in pain.

“Make it stop, please, Jonny.”  Patrick cries.


	7. Patrick Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even with the sedation, Patrick sleeps restlessly.  Memories, in the form of dreams, flooding his brain.    
> He’s Alexander, Egyptian born son of a Greek ruler.  He sees the desert land.  He hears the strange language.  He sees the tall, dark skinned boy kneeling at his bed.  Joshua.    
> Then the scene will shift to another time, another land.  And he is another person.  Always, there is someone with him.  Someone whose image makes Patrick’s heart race.  Makes his head feel light and dizzy.  Feelings that scare him and yet, make him feel safe.  Christian.  Petr.  Ethan.  All names he knows, all different faces.  All the same, though.

****

“I’m sorry, Jon, but we can’t let you go in.It may be too risky for Pat right now.”

Doc T just turned and walked away without any further comment or information, leaving Jon standing in the middle of the waiting room, dejected and hurting.Brent stood next to him, his arm wrapped around Jon protectively, supporting him.Brent guided Jon to one of the chairs and got him to sit down.Most of the team had gathered to wait with Jon for word on Patrick.Several of those who hadn’t been at the UC and witnessed Patrick collapse were on their way to the hospital to join them.

“So, let me get this right,” Sharpy says, “Peekaboo is your soulmate.”

“Yes.” Jon rests his elbows on his knees, leans forward and buries his face in his hands.Seabs, sitting next to him, rubs his hand up and down Jon’s back.

“But he doesn’t know he’s your soulmate?”Campbell says.

“Right.There isn’t a bond, yet.”Seabs tells them.“Other than, well.Jon?You wanna tell them?”

Jon shakes his head, but says, “No.You tell them.I just… I can’t…”

“Patrick and Jon have been dating, for a while now.And Patty still hasn’t figured out they’re soulmates.”

Sharpy whistles through his teeth, “Ouch.That’s gotta be rough.So, that’s what’s been wrong with Peeks?”

“Yeah, his soul is, what’d they say, Jonny, rejecting the bond?”Seabs continues when Jon weakly nods.“I don’t know what happened in the locker room, but it’s got to do with his bond crisis, I’m guessing.If they won’t let Jonny see him, well.”

“It’s bad.”Jon whispers.“I know it.It’s gotta be bad if they won’t let me in.”

“It’ll be okay, Toe-es.Patty’s a tough little guy.He’ll be okay.”Sharpy tries to sound encouraging, but Jon hears the worry in his voice.

“Yeah, Tazer, Patty will be okay.”Duncs offers.“But what about you?Is there a risk to you because of the bond?I mean, if you can’t be with Kaner?”

“There isn’t a bond.That’s the problem.”Jon sits up.“There’s no bond holding us together, so no, I don’t feel anything when I’m not with him.At least not because of that, but fuck.I love him.And this just, this just fucking sucks.”

Jon sees Dr. Stewart coming towards the waiting room and jumps up, meeting her half-way.She doesn’t have much more information than Doc T had.She tells Jon and the team that they are going to admit Patrick, and that they are going to keep him sedated for the next 24 hours or so, hoping that whatever triggered the pain, most likely a memory of a previous bond, will subside.

Reluctantly, Jon allows Brent to take him home when Dr. Stewart assures him that Patrick will be okay for now, and that if things change they’ll call Jon right away.He knows he has several phone calls to make.He needs to update his parents, who have to be worried.He’d called them hours ago, with a brief ‘Pat’s in the hospital’ message.And he needs to call Donna Kane.Stan told him that the Kane’s were on their way to Chicago, he’d sent the ‘Hawks private charter to bring them.He would have to finally tell both families about the unrequited bond.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Even with the sedation, Patrick sleeps restlessly.Memories, in the form of dreams, flooding his brain.

He’s Alexander, Egyptian born son of a Greek ruler.He sees the desert land.He hears the strange language.He sees the tall, dark skinned boy kneeling at his bed.Joshua.

Then the scene will shift to another time, another land.And he is another person.Always, there is someone with him.Someone whose image makes Patrick’s heart race.Makes his head feel light and dizzy.Feelings that scare him and yet, make him feel safe.Christian.Petr.Ethan.All names he knows, all different faces.All the same, though.

There is a darkness, too.An area where his brain doesn’t want to go, where the images are hazy, grey, and clouded.

Donna Kane had gotten to Chicago late that first night Patrick was in the hospital.She had gone there while, Pat Sr, and the girls had gone to the hotel.As she sat with him all night, her concern grew when Patrick tossed and turned, striking out in his sleep, then whimpering as if in pain.She can’t be sure, but she thinks she heard him say ‘you promised me’ more than once before a nurse came in and gave him another shot of sedative, quieting him again.

Clean out day was on Tuesday, it isn’t until Friday that Patrick is awake and sitting up.His mom and dad are in the room with him, listening to Dr. Terry explain what they think happened.He’s trying not to mention bond crisis, still under the belief that Patrick’s soul hasn’t recognized Jon’s yet.

“We ran some tests, Patrick.It still just seems to be a migraine issue.We’re going to change your medication and see if that helps.”

“Right.Migraine.”Patrick tugs at the bedsheets nervously.“Whatever you say, Doc.”

“Some of the team are outside.They’ve been worried about you.Think you’re up for some company?”

“I think it would do you good, honey.”His mom offers.“Jonny’s been so worried.”

“No.”Pat’s head drops down.“I don’t want to see anybody.Especially Jonny.”

“Patty?Why don’t you want to see your friends?”His mother is confused by Patrick’s reaction.

“I just don’t.Tell them they can all take off, I’m fine.”Patrick retorts.“When can I go home, Doc?”

“Well, we’ll start the medication today.I’d say if all goes well you can get out of here by Monday.”

After Dr. Terry leaves, Donna sits in a chair next to the bed.

“Honey?Why don’t you want to see Jonny?You said you two were getting along so well.Did something happen?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay.I just.I don’t want to see Jonny.I can’t.”Patrick rolled over so his back was to her, pulled the sheets up and closed his eyes.“I just want to go to sleep, okay?”

“Of course, honey,” she said, reaching up and brushing his hair back.“You just rest.”

Once she thought Patrick had nodded off, she got up and went out to find Jon and his mother, who had flown down to be with him.Pat Sr. stayed to watch over his son, feeling sorry for his wife and the difficult conversation she was about to have.

“Why?I don’t get it.”Jon questioned her.“We’re, I thought.He loves me.I know he does, even if he doesn’t know we’re soulmates.So, why?”

“I don’t know, dear.But, I think maybe he knows.”

“Well, wouldn’t that make him want to see me more?”

“His father and I talked to Dr. Stewart, after you told us you were his soulmate.Jonny, dear, do you know why he’d be talking about a promise you made him?Did you make him a promise?”

Jon thinks for a minute.“I don’t know.I promised him we’d stay together this summer, in the locker room, right before he collapsed.”

“Jonathan, what do you remember about your dreams.About the past lives you think you and Patrick have had together?”Andree asks her son.Donna gives him a skeptical look.

“I know we were happy in them.The ones I remember.Like, like I thought we were happy together now.”

“What’s the most recent one you remember, do you know?”Donna asked.“Dr. Stewart said there could have been something traumatic.”

“I don’t know.”Jon felt weird talking about this with them.“I know in one dream, he dies in a riding accident.I see it, but I don’t know.That dream doesn’t seem like a bad dream.So, I don’t know.”

“Okay.I know it is going to hurt, and it is going to be a very tough thing to do,” Donna rests her hand on his shoulder, “but the best thing may be to give Pat some space and time.Let him, let his soul, figure out what his heart knows.”

“You mean don’t see him for a while?But what if, what if he never wants to see me again?”Jon looks scared to death as he glances back and forth between the two women.

“I don’t think that will happen,” Donna assures him, “he just needs time.I know my son, Jonny.He’s been in love with you since he met you.He’ll figure this out.He wants to be with you.I saw it in his eyes, but something that happened, something his soul remembers is scaring him.”

“Trust Donna, honey.We’ll keep in touch this summer, Donna.Thank you.”Andree stands up.Jon and Donna stand up, they all hug and then Jon follows his mother to the elevator.

When they get back to Brent’s apartment, Jon sits and cries on his mother’s shoulder.His life had been so happy just a week earlier.Now, he was uncertain about his whole future, and about his life, with or, god-forbid, without Patrick.


	8. Summertime Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He spent long, lonely hours hanging around the house for the first month or so, before his mother suggested he fly to Buffalo to see Patrick.  Jon refused.  He wouldn’t force a relationship on Patrick that Patrick obviously didn’t want.  Finally, he’d decided just to go spend some time at the lake house away from everyone and everything.  
> Jon sits in the sun on the dock, dangling his legs over the edge.  He has his notebook, reading and rereading all the things he’s written about his dreams.  He’s looking for anything that will help him understand what’s happening with Patrick.  Why Patrick is rejecting him.  How he hurt Patrick.

Buffalo…

Donna was concerned.  It had been over a month since they brought Patrick home from Chicago and in that time, all he had done was mope around the house and sleep.  They had tried to get him to do things, to get out of the house, spend time doing family things.  Finally, they gave up and just let him be. 

Donna tried to talk to him about what was going on in his head.  All he would tell her was that he’d thought he’d liked Jon, but that it needed to end.  He’d told her he couldn’t love Jon, when she’d suggested that was his problem.  How could he when Jon wasn’t his soulmate. 

All summer, Patrick hid out in Buffalo, avoiding everything that had to do with Chicago, the Blackhawks, and Jonathan Toews.  All summer he kept having the dreams.  He knew that they weren’t just dreams of non-descript times, of historical moments.  When he’d first gotten home to Buffalo, he’d spent time locked in his room on his laptop.

Past lives.  Soul eternity.  Soul bonds.

He researched all of it.  Including bond crisis, words he’d heard Dr. Terry telling his parents when they thought he was asleep. 

Patrick knew what his dreams were.  Memories.  Memories of his past lives with his eternal soul mate.  With Jonny.

Patrick read about bond crises, about souls refusing to connect with their mate.  He was sure that was what was wrong with him.  His soul was having a problem connecting with its mate.  He tried to remember how he felt in his dreams, how he thought Jon’s soul felt to his in those other lives. 

What he felt was a strong bond, his soul drawn to Jon’s over and over again.  Their lives together seemed happy, full of love.  He knew from his research that he was only seeing the lives where their bond was at its strongest, times when they had been together for nearly their entire existence in that life.

So, it would make sense that having met Jon at a young age, and with the way he felt about Jon, that this lifetime was destined to become a memory for a future lifetime.  There was only one problem, Patrick thought, Jon’s soul doesn’t want to bond in this life.

Why else would it be causing him pain to be around Jon?  His body’s reaction at times had to be because his soul was reaching out and Jon’s was rejecting it.  That’s what the research said, well, most of it any way.  It said that the pain could be because of a bond rejection.  And while it did say that most of the time both parties felt physical pain when souls rejected bonds, there were cases where only one person did.  Of course, it was all theoretical as there hadn’t been an extensive amount of clinical research done.  But that didn’t matter to Patrick.

He knew.

His soul loved Jon’s and Jon’s didn’t return the love.

What bothered Patrick a little was the dream where he couldn’t see the ending of their life together.  He knew how the other dreams ended.  How Alexander and Joshua died just days apart from a plague that spread across the land.  How Micah and Christian had grown old together living in the colonies, Micah passing of natural causes first, followed a year later by Christian.  How Vladimir had died in a horse-riding accident and Petr had died years later of cancer.  He could see them all, feel the completeness of what he was seeing.

But there was one dream where the ending alluded him.  It was clouded in darkness, a foreboding feeling hanging over Patrick when he woke.  The dream was usually in black and white, shades of grey, never the feeling of warmth and safety he got from the other dreams, dreams full of color and sound.  All he remembered sometimes were the words, _I promise._  

Whatever happened in that life, he feels, is what is keeping Jon’s soul from wanting his.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Winnipeg…

Jon’s heart broke a little more with each passing day.  Each day that he didn’t hear from Patrick.  Each day that his text messages went unanswered.  Each day that his calls went to voicemail.

He spent long, lonely hours hanging around the house for the first month or so, before his mother suggested he fly to Buffalo to see Patrick.  Jon refused.  He wouldn’t force a relationship on Patrick that Patrick obviously didn’t want.  Finally, he’d decided just to go spend some time at the lake house away from everyone and everything.

Jon sits in the sun on the dock, dangling his legs over the edge.  He has his notebook, reading and rereading all the things he’s written about his dreams.  He’s looking for anything that will help him understand what’s happening with Patrick.  Why Patrick is rejecting him.  How he hurt Patrick.

The dreams don’t really give him a lot of information.  If whatever is keeping Patrick’s soul reluctant to bond happened in their most recent past life, then Jon needs to figure out when that was.  He thinks it could be their life in the colonies, his life with Micah.  But that was still centuries ago, not recent enough to still be traumatic.  Right?

Jon has to be missing something.  His life with Micah didn’t end tragically, they died of old age.  Russia could be a possibility.  The riding accident was traumatic.  But.  That life had been even further in the past.  It all just confused Jon even more.

He set his notebook aside, got up, and jumped into the lake.

Jon spends two weeks at the lake before he goes back to his parents.  The rest of his summer drags on until he heads back to Chicago to get ready for the new season.  He spends his first week there looking for an apartment, having decided to move out of Brent’s place. 

He finds a quiet place not too far from downtown and the UC. He occupies his time for the next two weeks buying furniture and other items needed to make the apartment livable.  A few decorations, dishes, cooking utensils and some pans, towels, bed linens, and other everyday supplies fill up the various rooms.  It keeps his mind busy and off Patrick, but he knows that eventually that will change.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

The tension at the first day of training camp is palatable, hanging heavy in the air.  Patrick sits in his stall changing into his kit when Jon walks in to the locker room.  It’s the first he has seen Patrick since the episode at clean out day.  Worry and apprehension course through Jon as he walks to his own stall, just two away from Patrick.

Patrick doesn’t look up, doesn’t even acknowledge Jon’s presence.  To Jon, Patrick looks bad.  He’s thinner that he was even at the end of last season.  Patrick wasn’t very big to begin, he doesn’t have pounds to give away.  He’s pale, like he hasn’t seen any sun in weeks, compared to Jon’s deep tan.  He looks small and fragile.

Practice is practice.  Players fall back into the routine of line rushes and small area drills, they end with bag skates.  Jon notices Patrick, usually one of the fastest guys on the ice, lagging behind as his group takes their last speed laps.  If he looked tired before practice, he looks completely exhausted after.  Jon notices Patrick has to sit on the bench for a few minutes before heading in to the locker room.

He discretely watches Patrick strip out of his gear, change and shower.  He’s about to follow him out to the parking lot when he sees Sharpy intercept Patrick by the door.  Patrick gives him a weak smile and nod, allowing the veteran slip his arm around his shoulders and guide Patrick out.

As the two walk through the doors, Brent plops down in the empty stall next to Jon.

“This is ridiculous, Jonny.”

“What?”

“You’re soulmates and you two aren’t talking.  This can’t go on all season.   You need to talk to him, tell him what’s going on.”

Jon glares at him.  “That’s not going to happen.  I can’t.  You just don’t understand.”

“Well then explain it to me.  How isn’t it just that simple.  You tell him.  He remembers you.  You two get on with your happy life together.”

“I can’t tell him.  Hell, I’m not even sure it’s good for me to be around him.” Jon sighs.  “It’s what hurts him, Seabs.  Remembering.  Or me.  It’s what causes that intense pain in his head.  I can’t keep hurting him.”

“Would it stop?  If he, if his soul could remember.  Would the pain stop?”

“I don’t know.  I’m not sure anybody knows.”

Jon’s been staring at the floor, suddenly his head snaps up.  “Sharpy.  Please tell me he isn’t going to say something to Patrick.”

“No.  Not about the souls thing.  He’s taking Peeks to lunch to tell him that the two of you need to talk.  As line mates.  You not talking is going to hurt the team, hurt your hockey.  So, that’s why he’s talking to Peeks.”

Jon relaxes a little, hoping Sharpy doesn’t say anything else to Patrick.

\-------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Patrick comes in to practice whistling and smiling.  He’s got some color in his cheeks and looks a little better to Jon.

“Good morning, bitches.”  Patrick chirps.

Players around the room return his chirp or offer a simple good morning.  Jon grins when Patrick walks past him and ruffles his hair.

“Jonny.  That included you, of course.”

“I figured, Peeks.  Good morning.”  Jon thinks Sharpy talking to Patrick might have been a good thing.

Patrick acts much more normal, like Patrick, during practice.  He kids with Jon and bumps him a few times during puck possession drills along the wall.  Patrick, however, does leave the ice before Jon, who stays out to practice some one-timers with Sharpy.  They chat about Patrick.  Sharpy fills him in on his lunch-time chat from the day before and Jon’s worry eases some more.  That is until Sharpy springs some important information on him.

“So, Peeks told me something yesterday that you might want to talk to him about.” Sharpy says.  “He’s in love with you, ya know.”

Jon had been in the middle of a slap shot.  He whiffed over the puck, shocked by Sharpy’s words.

“He what?”  Jon’s jaw hangs open, a dumb expression on his face.

“He loves you.  He told me.  So, here’s the deal, Tazer.  You need to talk to him.  Ignoring each other is going to do more damage to him I think.  I told him as much.”

“You what?”  Jon’s mind is reeling.  Patrick loves him.  Patrick told Sharpy he loves him.

“God Tazer.  You two were pathetic last year, googly-eyed rookies.  Seabs and I had a bet going on when you’d finally figure it out and hook up.”

“What?”

“He won.”  Sharpy smirked.  “If we got the date right.”

“Okay.  I’ll, uh, I’m gonna,” Jon stutters, looking towards the locker room. “A bet?  What?”

“It’s okay, Lover Boy, go find him.” Sharpy pats him on the shoulder and Jon bolts for the bench door.

From across the ice, Brent gives Sharpy a thumbs up and a questioning look up as he watches Jon hustle off the ice.  Sharpy grins and returns the thumbs up.

Patrick is sitting in his stall, showered and dressed when Jon comes rushing in.  The minute Jon sees him, he freezes, then slows his gait to a steady walk, trying to hide his excitement at seeing Patrick.  He hopes he’s reading it right and the Patrick is waiting for him.

“Hey,” Patrick says first.  “Um, I was wondering if we could talk.  After you get dressed.”

“Yeah, of course, Peeks.”

“Okay, I’ll, uh, I’ll wait out in the hall.”

Jon is sure it’s the fastest he’s ever showered and gotten dressed in his life.  He even begged off doing media so he could get out to meet Patrick.  It takes him a few minutes to find Patrick, a fear that he’d left coming over him at one point.  But Patrick is tucked into a doorway down the hall from the locker room, trying not to draw attention to himself.  Jon strides up to stand in front of Patrick.

“Hey again.”  Jon dips his chin and scuffs his foot on the ground.  “So, we need to talk.”

Patrick’s hands come up to Jon’s chest, clenching the material of Jon’s shirt in his fingers.  He pulls Jon close as he raises up on his tip toes.  Their faces mere inches apart.

“Hey.”  Patrick whispers just before he brings their lips together.


	9. When I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re a month into the regular season when Jon starts to notice that Patrick is different on days after he’s spent the night at Jon’s, or when they’ve roomed together on the road.  Patrick is smiling, laughing, joking with everyone on those days.  On days after he stays at Stan’s, Patrick is often quiet and slightly withdrawn.  Jon might even go so far as to call it brooding.  More than once, he’s snapped at Jon over some insignificant, trivial thing on those days.

“I missed you.”  Jon whispers back once Patrick rolls back away from the kiss.  “I’m sorry, Peeks.”

“I’m sorry, Jonny.  I shouldn’t have just ignored you all summer.  I missed you, too.”

They stood, tucked in the dark doorway, kissing for several minutes before they heard a noise down the hallway that brought them back to reality that people could possibly see them. 

“Come home with me?” Jon asked tentatively.

“Brent’s?”

“No.  I got my own place.”  Jon grins. 

Patrick nodded his head, pulled out his phone and texted Stan that he wouldn’t need a ride home, then followed Jon out to his car. 

It’s a short ride to Jon’s place, and before long they are in the hallway just inside the front door.  Jon’s hands are pulling at Patrick’s shirt, trying to tug it up over his head while still kissing him.  Patrick has his arms wrapped around Jon’s neck and shoulders, pulling him in close, which isn’t helping matters. 

Patrick’s mouth is working feverishly against Jon’s.  Soft, slurpy kissing noises fill the air.  Jon tugs Patrick’s shirt again and Patrick lifts his arms, letting their kiss break apart long enough for Jon to pull the shirt up and over Patrick’s head.  He drops the shirt to the floor and gets his hands on Patrick’s bare skin.

“Jonny.”  Patrick whispers.  “I… we should…”

Jon steps back, keeping his hands resting on Patrick’s waist.  "Huh? What’s, are you okay?  Something wrong?”

“No, just.  Maybe we should.”  Patrick bites his lip nervously and looks past Jon into the apartment.

“Oh.  Okay.  Yeah.  Talk.  We need to talk.”  Jon takes Patrick’s hand and starts to walk to the living room.

Patrick stops and pulls at Jon’s hand, his head tipping down the hall towards where he thinks the bedroom is located.  “I meant, maybe we should go find a bed.”

“Oh!”  Jon’s eyes light up, then go dark again with desire at what Patrick is implying.  “Are you sure?”

When Patrick squeezes his hand and nods, Jon leads him to the bedroom.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, there aren’t a lot of shocked looks, but more than a few catcalls and chirps, when Jon and Patrick walk in to the locker room together.  Patrick looks happy and content tucked up against Jon’s side, Jon’s arm wrapped possessively around his waist.  The mood in the locker room is much lighter and more easy-going than it was the first day.

After practice, Patrick waits for Jon in the hallway.  Jon was called in to a meeting with Quenneville and Bowman, which has Patrick wondering, and a bit concerned.  Sharpy walks past him on his way out.

“See ya tomorrow, Peekaboo.”  When Patrick doesn’t respond, Sharpy stops and goes back to him.  “Pat?  Everything okay?”

“Huh, yeah, yeah man.” Patrick says after a moment.  “All good, just waiting on Jonny.”

“So, you guys talked?”

Patrick’s staring at the doors, as if trying to will Jon to come through them.  He’s not paying attention to Sharpy at all.

“Did you guys talk?” Sharpy repeats, this time putting a hand on Patrick’s arm.

“What?  Um, no, yes, well, not exactly.”  Patrick stutters.

“But things are better?”

“Yeah, we, uh, we…”  Patrick’s face is bright red.  “We didn’t talk, but we, um, well we worked things out.”

“Don’t say another word.  I don’t want to know.”  Patrick feigns mortification.  “But I’m glad that whatever you two did, that things are better.”

Jon walks out of the locker room then, head down, deep in thought.  He almost walks right past the other two men, until Patrick reaches out his hand to grab Jon’s arm.

“Jonny?  Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing.  I, um.”  He looks up.  “There’ll be a meeting tomorrow after practice.  I can’t say anything until then.”

Jon doesn’t say anything else as the three walk out to their cars.  Patrick ends up spending the night at Jon’s again, and he frets all night because Jonny won’t tell him what’s going on.  They drive to Johnny’s Icehouse in silence the next morning.

The team's on edge during practice, speculation on the topic of the meeting spreading like wildfire since a mass text was sent out the night before.  Patrick is afraid it’s a trade announcement, but everyone is there, no missing bodies.  He watches Jon, who acts distracted all through practice.  Maybe the meeting has to do with their relationship, Pat worries.  There aren’t rules against it in the league, but that’s more for soulmates, and if they aren’t bonded, well then.

They sit and wait nervously for Stan and Coach Q to come in.  Stan has something red rolled up in his hand.  When he sets them down on the edge of the bench, Patrick sees that he had three red somethings rolled up in his hand.  It dawns on him and a few of the veterans what the meeting will bring.

“So, we had a fair year last year,” Joel starts, “and I have to commend all the alternate captains for doing a good job leading the team.  But we missed having a captain, a true, single leader of the team.”

Patrick sees Jon start to fidget in his stall, avoiding eye contact with the rest of the team.

“A couple of guys stood out for their leadership last year, so we are very pleased to name Patrick Sharp and Duncan Keith as the alternate captains.”  Stan picks up two of the objects and unrolls them to reveal sweaters with a large A on them for Sharpy and Duncs.  The guys all clap as they step forward to collect the sweaters, shaking hands with the coach and GM and thanking them.

“Okay.  Now.  Our new captain is someone who we see leading this team to a great future, who we see growing into his responsibilities and who we knew will help guide us to a Stanley Cup.  Jonathan, come on up son.”  Bowman beams as he picks up the third sweater, TOEWS on the back, the large C on the front.

“Thank you, Coach, Stan.  I am honored that you have faith in me,” he turned to look around the room, “I’m looking forward to working with everyone to bring home a cup.  I hope that you guys know that I’m here for anything you need.  We’re going to have a great year, I can tell.”

His eyes meet Patrick’s and he’s not sure what he reads in them.  Patrick is smiling, and clapping for Jon, but when everyone else stands to go congratulate Jon, Patrick gets up and walks out of the room.  When he’s finally free from the meeting, Jon checks his phone.  There’s a text from Patrick.

PK:  _Gone to Stan’s.  Will see you tomorrow.  Congrats on being named Captain.  You’ll do great._

He thinks about texting him back, but decides to wait and call.  Right now, he has a press conference with Duncs and Sharpy, then some more media engagements.  He hopes everything is okay with Patrick.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Patrick sighs into the phone.  “Yeah, Jonny.  I’m fine.  I just figured you’d be busy and so I came home.  And after spending two nights at your place, I figured Stan would start to get a bit concerned.”

“You’re not jealous, are you, Pat?” Jon questioned.  “Or upset I didn’t tell you last night?  They made me swear I wouldn’t tell anyone, not even my parents knew.”

“No, Jon.  Really.  I understand.  It’s fine.  I think this is great.  You’ll be the best captain.” 

Patrick sounded sincere, Jon thought, but still, there was something in his voice that didn’t sound right.

“Okay.  You coming over after practice then?”

“Yeah.  Can we stop and pick up some food?  I was thinking, too.  About getting my own place, maybe you could help me look through some realty sites tonight.”

“Sure.  That sounds like a good plan.” 

Whatever he’d thought he’d heard in Patrick’s voice was gone.

Training camp and the preseason close out without any issues.  Patrick spends a lot of his free time at Jon’s, which is okay with him.  The more time they spend together without Patrick having any issues, the better it is, Jon thinks.  It may mean that Patrick’s soul is starting to accept things.  Patrick still takes shots, but they are down to once a week, which seems to be controlling any migraine issues.  That’s what the doctors are still calling his problem.

The hunt for an apartment doesn’t go as well at Patrick figured it would.  He’s very fussy and particular about what he likes and doesn’t like.  What he does like is Jon’s apartment.  The more time he spends there, the more he likes it.  Which is only partly accurate he knows.  He likes the apartment because Jon is there.

He’s started to notice that on nights he stays at Jon’s, his dreams are happy dreams.  Most often about Petr or Christian.  On nights when he's in bed alone at Stan’s, the dreams that are foggy and frightening come to him. 

They’re a month into the regular season when Jon starts to notice that Patrick is different on days after he’s spent the night at Jon’s, or when they’ve roomed together on the road.  Patrick is smiling, laughing, joking with everyone on those days.  On days after he stays at Stan’s, Patrick is often quiet and slightly withdrawn.  Jon might even go so far as to call it brooding.  More than once, he’s snapped at Jon over some insignificant, trivial thing on those days.

Given that observation, and that Patrick hasn’t liked any apartment’s that they’ve looked at so far, Jon decides to offer a different option for Patrick.  He’s not sure about it, however, so he decides to wait just a little longer before he offers.  They’re scheduled to look at three more apartments over the next couple of weeks.  If Patrick hasn’t found a place by then, Jonny will ask him.  He looks at the calendar.  Patrick’s birthday is the day after they look at the last apartment on the list.  So, okay, he’ll ask him on his birthday.  Jon isn’t sure which thought scares him the most, that Patrick will like one of the apartments or that he won’t.


	10. Home Is Where You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick is impressed. He keeps making his way back to the living room, looking out the windows, running his hand over the fireplace mantle, reaching down to feel the carpet.  Finally, he sits down on the huge couch.  
> “I like it.”  He says.  “But.”  
> “But?”  Jon questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this is set in Jon & Pat's rookie and sophomore years, I didn't follow the game schedules for either year. Just in case anyone wondered about dates or games.

Apartment 1

“As you can see, there’s a stunning view of the downtown.”Patrick’s realtor remarks.

This apartment is on the 15th floor of a large high-rise in downtown Chicago.It has two bedrooms, a living room, a full bath with separate tub and shower, a utility room that comes with a washer/dryer and small freezer, and a rather huge kitchen.There’s a gas fireplace and the realtor is right, an absolutely stunning view out of the living room windows.

Jon could see it coming the minute they walked in the front door and Patrick scrunched his nose.

Patrick hates it.The wood floors are slippery.The carpet in the bedroom is too dark.The kitchen counter is ugly.

Jon tries his best to point out all the positives, like the view, and that it really isn’t that far to the United Center.

“You could walk, Pat.”

“Walking’s over-rated, Jon.”

One down, two to go.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Apartment 2

The second place on their list is more of a condo in a housing development, which makes Jon wonder why Patrick agreed to look at it.Patrick had asked to see something outside the city, in a more residential area, but this was so not Patrick.It’s one unit in and eight-unit building in a multi-building area.They all look the same to Jon.Sterile and generic.And there isn’t the view that the other apartment had.

“I think what you’ll like about this unit is the loft area.”The realtor leads them up a narrow winding staircase.

“It’s pretty, I don’t know.Artsy fartsy feeling, Pat.”Jon remarks as they stand by the iron rail looking down into the living room.“I’m not sure it’s your style.”

“You sayin’ I don’t have any class, Jon?”Patrick glares.“Disparaging my humble blue-collar upbringing in Buffalo?”

“That’s not what I meant.”Jon glares back.“And you know it.I just mean, it seems like this place needs fancy furniture that you’d be afraid to kick back and put your feet on.I’ve seen how you just flop yourself on my furniture, or Stan’s.”

Patrick looks around.The condo is nice, but Jon is right.It’s a very formal feeling place.Hardwood floors everywhere, a kitchen with an island, three bedrooms including a master with its own bathroom, a second bathroom with a shower.It’s a lot of apartment and at the top end of what Patrick is looking to spend.

“I think you might be right, Jonny.I’m just not feeling it here.”

Two down.Jon starts to hope.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Apartment 3

Jon’s worried about this one, it’s just where he can picture Patrick living.

They walk through the front door into a small foyer where there’s a closet for coats and shoes.From there, you walk into a large living room.There’s a gas fireplace with a beautiful stone hearth.The floors are covered in a soft green textured carpet.Spearmint the realtor calls it.The walls are wood paneling, something light colored that Jon doesn’t recognize.It all gives the room a warm, cozy feel.

Off the living room is another huge kitchen, color coordinated to the living room.There are three bedrooms and two full-baths.And lots of closet space and storage space.It’s also completely furnished with furniture that looks tailor-made for Patrick.

Patrick is impressed. He keeps making his way back to the living room, looking out the windows, running his hand over the fireplace mantle, reaching down to feel the carpet.Finally, he sits down on the huge couch.

“I like it.”He says.“But.”

“But?”Jon questions.

“I don’t know.It’s a long way from the UC.I couldn’t walk.”

“Walking’s over-rated.”Jon tosses Patrick’s words back at him.

“Whatever.”Patrick looks around again.“I like it, though.Definitely a possibility.”

“It’s pretty far from everybody I think, not just the UC.I don’t know of anybody that lives out this way.It would be a drive for anybody to come visit you, or for you to, um, come visit them.”

Jon watches as Patrick mulls over that comment.He thinks Patrick understands.

“Ya know, I don’t think this place is right after all.I think Jon’s right, it’s too far from everything.”Patrick muses.“Guess I’ll just keep looking.”

Jon smiles, that’s strike three.Now he just needed the courage to ask Patrick.

\--------------------------------------------------

“So, did you have a good birthday?”

After practice, Jon and some of the others had taken Patrick out for dinner.Afterward, he and Patrick had come home and celebrated in private on Jon’s couch, where Jon currently sits at one end, Patrick stretched out over the rest of it, his head resting on Jon’s lap.Jon casually twirls one of Patrick’s curls in his fingers.He loves running his fingers through Patrick’s mop of unrulily curls and ringlets.

“Mmmm… good day.” Patrick mumbles.He’s almost asleep.

“Pat, don’t fall asleep.Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Okay,” he yawns.“Carry me.”

“I’m not carrying you.”

“Well, you’re the one that wore me out.”Patrick sits up slowly, stretching his arms and rubbing his eyes.“And it’s my birthday, you need to spoil me on my birthday.”

“I did spoil you,” Jon leans over and kisses Patrick’s temple.“All day.”

Patrick climbs onto Jon’s lap, straddling his legs so he’s facing Jon.He drapes his arms over Jon’s shoulders and leans forward, bringing their mouths together in a soft kiss.Jon runs his hands up and down Patrick’s back.When Patrick sits back, Jon stares at him.God, how he loves Patrick.Now’s the time.

“You really didn’t like any of the apartments we’ve looked at?”

Patrick gives him a confused look, “Um.No, not really.Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Okay.”Patrick doesn’t know why Jon would bring it up at this particular moment.

“I was thinking about something.”

“Me, too.” Patrick leans in and nuzzles against Jon’s neck.“That maybe we could get in one more celebration.”

They’re still naked from their earlier go-round, and Jon’s distract when Patrick wiggles his ass against Jon’s legs.Patrick reaches down and grasps Jon’s cock, which okay, isn’t helping Jon’s ability to focus.He needs to ask him, though, before he chickens out.

“Um, okay.” He takes Patrick’s shoulders and makes him sit back up.“That’s, um.Okay.Stop for a minute, okay.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.I just, I need to ask you something important and then, we can, if you still want to, we can.”

Patrick sits back more, bringing his hands to rest on Jon’s chest.The look of confusion on his face from before has been changed to a look of concern.

“Jonny?”

“Would you want to move in here?With me?”Jon spits out in a quick rush of words, then he dipped his chin to his chest, looking down, afraid to meet Patrick’s eyes for fear of the rejection he might see.

“What?”

“Would you want to move in with me?”Jon says slower.“I know that, well, you could have the spare bedroom if you wanted your own room.And, well, we could…”

“Yes.”

Jon brought his gaze back up to Patrick’s face, which was bright and happy.Patrick’s blue eyes were sparkling.

“Yes?”

“Yes, I want to move in with you.”Patrick said.

“Yes.”

Patrick laughed at Jon’s completely dumb-struck look.Did Jon really think that he would say no?

“It took you long enough to ask me.God, I thought you’d never figure it out.”

Jon furrowed his brow.He was the confused one now.“What do you mean figure it out?”

“Why do you think I kept saying no to all those apartments, you dork?”Patrick leaned in to kiss him, to kiss that stupid look off his face.

At first, Jon didn’t kiss back, his mind still working.Then he got it.

“Oh.” He mouthed against Patrick’s lips.“Oh!”

Jon wrapped his arms around Patrick and pulled him close to his chest.Patrick slid his arms around behind Jon’s neck, relishing in the feel of his body against Jon’s, his mouth locked with Jon’s.Patrick wasn’t sure how Jon did what he did next, other than to attribute it to some incredible lower-body strength developed from years of hockey.Jon scooted them forward to the edge of the cushion.He slipped his hands under Patrick’s thighs and hefted him up off his lap just a little.In one motion, Jon stood up.

Patrick pulled away from the kiss as he wrapped his legs around Jon’s waist, clinging to him tightly.

“Thought you weren’t carrying me to bed?” Patrick grinned at Jon.

“Shut up.” Jon smirked back as he started to make his way to the bedroom with Patrick in his arms.“And don’t squirm, you aren’t that light.Wouldn’t want to drop you on your birthday.”

Patrick laughed and dropped his head down against Jon’s shoulder.“Don’t you dare drop me, you asshole.”


	11. Intimacy Is Good For The Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “God.  That was.  That was…”  Jon stutters out.  
> “Yeah.”  Patrick sighs.  “That was.”  
> “Happy birthday, Peeks.”  
> “Wow.”  Patrick rolls over and lays his head on Jon’s back.  “I love you, Jonny.”  
> “I love you, Patrick.”  Jon answers back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short... sex...

Jon climbed onto his knees on the bed and laid Patrick down, settling on top of him, plastering light kisses to his face.Patrick kept his legs around Jon, sliding his heels down to hook on Jon’s ass and pull their hips together.Jon responded by grinding down against Patrick, eliciting a low moan of pleasure.

Jon kissed along Patrick’s jaw, down the line of his neck and across his collarbone.His hands slid along Patrick’s arms, grasping his wrists and them pushing them to the bed.Patrick dropped his legs as Jon stretched his arms out until Patrick was spread eagle underneath him.Jon inched his hands out until they met Patrick’s and their fingers entwined.

Patrick moans into Jon’s mouth.He wants.They still haven’t progressed beyond hands and mouths and rubbing off against each other, and at this moment he knows he wants more.He wants Jon, all of Jon.He pushed his hips up, and tips his head back into the pillow.

“Jonny, I want more.Please.”

Jon always worries every time they are intimate, always afraid that it will trigger something with Patrick’s soul that will hurt him again.He’s always stopped short of progressing to that final stage of intimacy.He’s wanted to fuck Patrick, to put him on his back take him.Take what is his.He’s wanted to have Patrick return that intimacy, to have Patrick inside him, filling him until he can’t think straight.But.He can’t.He knows he’s risking Patrick just doing what they do.He won’t let it go any farther.

But here is Patrick.Beneath him.Asking.Wanting.

When Patrick opens his eyes, locking those cool, baby blues on Jon, well, Jon is undone.Patrick is going to move in with him.He will have him all the time.Him.Patrick.His Patrick.And all at once, Jonny wants.Consequences be damned.

Jonny kisses Patrick one more time before he pushes up off him, kneeling between Patrick’s legs.He crawls over to the nightstand to retrieve a condom and some lube, then settles himself back between Patrick’s legs.Patrick hasn’t moved, his head on the pillow, eyes closed, body still laid out for Jon’s pleasure.

Jon taps Patrick’s inner thigh and he hikes his knees up, spreading his ass cheeks and giving Jon more access.Jon took Patrick’s cock in his hand, holding the shaft and letting his thumb rub under the head and over the slit.Patrick shivered at Jon’s touch.

Jon squeezed some of the lube onto Patrick’s hole then tossed the bottle down beside them.While he gently worked Patrick’s cock with one hand, he ran the index finger of his other along the underside of Patrick’s balls and down toward his opening.He ran the tip through the lube, coating it, before he stopped, the tip of his finger pressed against the rim.

“Patrick?”

“More, Jon.I want you.”

Slowly, cautiously, he pushed in, the tight muscle snug around his finger.He kept darting his eyes up to watch for any sign of distress in Patrick.He wavered for a moment when Patrick’s breath hitched.

“Okay?”

Patrick nodded his head slightly, his lips parted as he worked to control his breathing.Jon pushed his finger in a little further, watching it disappearing into the warmth of Patrick’s body, before sliding it out and pushing it in again.He started a steady in and out rhythm, working the lube into Patrick.He is mesmerized by the way Patrick puckers and clenches around.

“More.” Patrick moans, bringing Jonny out of his trance.

Jon slips a second finger effortlessly in next to the first.His other hand keeps stroking Patrick in a steady, easy rhythm.Patrick’s head is back, his arms still out-stretched, hands holding on to the bed cover, twisting it in his fingers.His hips start to rock up and down, up into Jon’s hand and down onto his fingers.

“Feels so good, Jonny.Want you so much.”Patrick looks down at Jon through heavy eyelids.“Fuck me.”

Jon pulled his fingers out and released Patrick’s cock long enough to slip on the condom and add more lube.He inched up closer to Patrick, took his own cock in his hand and lined it up with Patrick’s opening.He pushed his hips forward, the tip meeting resistance as it pressed against the rim of muscle.Jon watched Patrick’s face, the worry about doing this rising in him again.He pushed with a little more effort and the head of his cock slid into Patrick.

“Oh.Of, fuck.” Patrick gasped.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.Yeah.Keep going.”Patrick whispered.“Oh fuck, Jonny.”

Jon let his cock slid into Patrick, sinking all the way in until his balls rested against Patrick’s ass.He rolled his hips in a small circle, grinding against Patrick.Patrick’s mouth was open and small, soft ‘ohs’ and ‘uhs’ escaped his lips between quick breaths.

“That’s it.So good.” He manages to say to Jon.

Jon shifts, stretching his legs out and laying over Patrick, propping his upper body up on his arms.He leans down so his mouth can cover Patrick’s, kissing him softly.Jon rocks his hips up and down, pulling his cock almost all the way out before thrusting back into Patrick.The ‘ohs’ and ‘uhs’ become more frequent and forceful as Patrick huffs them out between kisses.

Jon keeps up a steady pace, fucking easy into Patrick with each roll of his hips.He lifts his head so he can watch Patrick’s face, watch as little beads of sweat break out on Patrick’s forehead, watch and he licks his lips and makes small noises.God how he loves Patrick.His heart is racing, his soul burning at the very center of his being.Patrick is his.All his.And he is Patrick’s.

“Patrick,” Jon whispers.“Look at me.”

Patrick slowly opens his eyes and looks up into Jon’s face.The normal bright blue of his eyes is a small band around the dark black of his blown pupils.He stares into Jon’s eyes.Surely, Patrick’s soul must know.It must know they are meant to be together.

Jon’s thrusting becomes harder and faster.They are both breathing hard, faces mere inches apart, eyes locked.Jon knows Patrick is close to going over the edge.

“Do you need to?”

“No.Just keep going.I’m almost…”Patrick’s hands scrunch the fabric of the bed cover he’s holding.He closes his eyes as his body goes tense.“Oh, fuck.Fuck.Jonny.”

When his body tenses, his hole tightens around Jon.Patrick’s face as he comes.Him clenching around Jon’s cock.The feel of his warm come spurting onto Jon’s skin.It’s too much and Jon drives deep into Patrick as he comes himself.His body shudders as his orgasm washes over him.He thrusts a few times as he finishes, then slowly pulls out.He has just enough energy to push himself over so he doesn’t collapse on top of Patrick.

“God.That was.That was…”Jon stutters out.

“Yeah.”Patrick sighs.“That was.”

“Happy birthday, Peeks.”

“Wow.”Patrick rolls over and lays his head on Jon’s back.“I love you, Jonny.”

“I love you, Patrick.”Jon answers back.“Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah.I’m great.Best birthday ever.And you know what the best thing is?”

“Hhhmmm?”

“I don’t have to go home, cause I’m already home.Home with you.”

“Home.Our home.”

“Our home.”


	12. Patrick's Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fine, but no stupid movies.”  
> “It wasn’t stupid.  It was pretty good, what I remember of it before we fell asleep.”  Patrick nudges Jon over then settles down with his head on Jon’s chest.  He clicks the TV on and flips through a few channels.  He’d looked at an online channel guide earlier to see if there was anything on that would fit into his plan.  He’d found something good on one of the Discovery channels.  
> “What the hell is this?” Jon groaned when Patrick stopped on the channel.  
> “Don’t know.  Looks interesting though.”  
> Jon’s mind races as he watches the documentary on ancient Egypt that Patrick has stopped on.  Okay.  The movie about Russia was one thing, maybe just coincidence because Nikolai did say he told Patrick about it.  But this?  This had to mean more.  This had to mean Patrick knew, or was at least starting to remember his past with Jon.

Jon worried.And worried.And worried.

But nothing happened.

No ill effects from he and Patrick living together.No ill effects from them fucking.Nothing.

Which left Jon befuddled.Completely.

He talked to Dr. Stewart about it.He talked to Dr. Terry about it.No one had an answer for sure except to say that maybe the separation over the summer had let Patrick’s soul come to terms with the relationship.Jon didn’t get it, though.They still had not bonded.Yeah, they were together, but they weren’t… together.

Their suggestion, accept it as it is until it isn’t.

That didn’t help Jon.At all.

They’re home in Chicago for the first week after Patrick moves in, which is good.It lets them get settled into a comfortable domestic routine around practices and games.They figure things out quickly.Jon likes to cook, so he starts taking care of most of their meal planning.Patrick does the laundry.Neither one is a complete slob, but more than not, it’s Patrick who ends up picking up after Jon.It’s all just familiar.

Patrick’s been researching bond crisis on the internet again.Translation, he’s been looking up all kinds of things, not necessarily anything reputable or scientific, more along the lines of myths and old wives’ tales.

One of the sites suggests that you can actively try to force a soul to remember its mate.Well, it didn’t say force, more like encourage the bond.Patrick reads over the ideas that Master Soulbond Guru lists in the article.What’s he got to lose.He plots out his plan of attack.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week after Patrick’s birthday, the Blackhawks embark on their annual glorious Circus trip, a two-week banishment to the road while their home is taken over by clowns, exotic animals, trapeze artists, and high-wire acts.Patrick hopes to put his plan in motion during the trip, when he and Jon will be confined together in a hotel room most of the time.

On their second night, Jon’s taking a shower before bed.He’d left Patrick sitting on his bed watching some game video on his laptop.When he comes back out, Patrick is still sitting with his back propped against the headboard, his laptop open.From the sound, he’s not watching game video anymore.Jon walks over and climbs on the bed to sit next to him.

“What’s this?”

“Thought I’d watch a movie.” Patrick says nonchalantly.

“Looks like an old movie.”

“Yeah.Khabibulin told me about it at practice.About Russia or something, says it’s a classic.Dr. Shaveego or something like that.”

“Dr. Zhivago?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”Patrick leans his head on Jon’s shoulder.“I found it online.Want to watch with me?”

“A Russian love story?Really?That’s what you want to watch?”Jon raises an eyebrow, giving Patrick a skeptical look.

“Kabob said it’s really good.”

“Okay.Why not.”

Jon’s not sure what’s up with Patrick wanting to watch the movie, it’s not the right time period for him to be associating it with their life together in Russia.But maybe.Maybe that’s why Patrick wants to watch it anyway.Maybe he remembers something.

They end up falling asleep half-way through the movie.At some point in the middle of the night, Jon wakes up to Patrick tossing restlessly in his sleep.Jon felt something hard against his leg when he shifted.He reached down and found the laptop and tossed it over to the other bed, then pressed up next to Patrick, letting his arm slip over Patrick’s waist.

“Hey, ssshhh.Peeks, it’s okay.”He whispered as he laid his head on the pillow next to Patrick’s.

Patrick stopped his movements, rolling to face Jon and snuggle in against him, “Mmmmm.Jonny.”

“Right here.Bad dream?”

“Mmmmm.”Patrick mumbled.Jon realized he was still mostly asleep.

“That’s it, go back to sleep.It’s okay.”Jon cooed softy.

“Petr.”Patrick sighed into Jon’s neck as he settled back sleep.

Jon froze at the sound of the name.Had he heard right?Had Patrick called him Petr?Did he remember?Was he dreaming about their life together in Russia?Jon desperately wanted to shake Patrick awake.Desperately wanted Patrick to sleepily open his eyes, then watch as the recognition crossed his face.Desperately wanted to see Patrick’s eyes grow wide with excitement as their souls finally bonded.

He couldn’t do that though.Dr. Stewart had warned him about trying to force Patrick’s memories.It could be harmful.It could upset the balance that Patrick’s soul had allowed by letting them have the non-bond relationship.Could be dangerous for Patrick.Jon wouldn’t risk that.He’d been lucky so far, pushing his physical relationship with Patrick.He wasn’t sure how long that luck would continue.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of days later, they’re in their hotel room in Edmonton after their game against the Oilers.It had been a rough game, they’d barely hung on to win.Patrick was exhausted, but he wanted to take another step in his plan.

“You tired?” He asked Jon.

“Yeah.Why?”

“I was just thinking about watching TV for a while before we went to sleep.Too tired to do much else.”

“Okay,” Jon answered.“Where’s the remote.”

Patrick found the TV remote and climbed in bed next to Jon.“My night to pick.You got to last night.”

“Fine, but no stupid movies.”

“It wasn’t stupid.It was pretty good, what I remember of it before we fell asleep.”Patrick nudges Jon over then settles down with his head on Jon’s chest.He clicks the TV on and flips through a few channels.He’d looked at an online channel guide earlier to see if there was anything on that would fit into his plan.He’d found something good on one of the Discovery channels.

“What the hell is this?” Jon groaned when Patrick stopped on the channel.

“Don’t know.Looks interesting though.”

Jon’s mind races as he watches the documentary on ancient Egypt that Patrick has stopped on.Okay.The movie about Russia was one thing, maybe just coincidence because Nikolai did say he told Patrick about it.But this?This had to mean more.This had to mean Patrick knew, or was at least starting to remember his past with Jon.

“Since when are you interested in history?” Jon asked.Hoping.

“Since always.Why?This beats those stupid HGTV shows you make me watch.”

“Right.You hate them so much.”Jon pokes Patrick’s ribs, making him squirm.

“Stop it.Come on, can’t we just watch this?”

“Okay, Peeks.”Jon kisses the top of his head.“We can watch whatever you want.”

Patrick lies there, head resting on Jon’s chest, listening more to his heartbeat than to the narrator of the show. He’s been waiting for Jon to say something about Russia, but he hasn’t said a word.Maybe this will help with Jon’s memory.Patrick waits.He disappointed when after just a short time he feels Jon’s chest start to slowly, evenly rise and fall.

“Jonny?”

He lifts his head and looks up at Jon, who is obviously fast asleep.Well, so much for this part of his plan.Patrick lays his head back down and closes his eyes.It isn’t long before he’s fast asleep, too.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

“He has to know, Maman.”

Jon sat at the kitchen table in his parents’ home, sipping on a cup of tea and eating cookies his mother made for him.The ‘Hawks were in Winnipeg with a day off.Sharpy had taken Patrick shopping for some new video game he wanted that had just been released.He’d be joining Jon for dinner with his family later.

“I mean.Dr. Zhivago?Really?I can’t picture Pat wanting to watch that in a million years.And then, I know I heard him say one of my names.I know I did.”

“Maybe he is remembering,” Andree Toews said.“But maybe he doesn’t know what it is that he’s remembering.”

“You think so?”

“I think so.”She’s been standing at the counter cleaning vegetables for dinner, but goes to stand next to Jon.She pulls him into a hug his head against her stomach, his arms around her waist.She gently runs her hand through his hair, comforting him as she’s done since he was a small child.“I think that you just need to be patient, Jonathan.Whatever is going to happen between you and Patrick will happen when it happens.You’ve said they’ve told you not to try and force this.Right?”

He nods his head against her.

“Well then, you need to trust that.But if it doesn’t happen, you seem to still be able to have a life with Patrick.You’re together.Whatever it was that was causing Patrick pain seems to have passed.So, if you never have a soul bond in this life, would that be the worst thing that could happen?”

“No, I guess not.I love him, Maman.I just want to be with him.”

“And he loves you.It’ll be okay.Just trust in that, honey.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patrick drops his bags on the floor of the living room, “God it’s good to be home.”

Jon’s bags hit the floor next to Patrick’s and he flops down on the couch.“No shit. I can see why the vets don’t like the circus.Fucking long-ass road trip.”

Jon pats the cushion, “Come sit.”

Patrick doesn’t, instead going to the kitchen.“I’m guessing we don’t have any food.Wanna order something?”

Jon’s not sure what’s going on with Patrick.The last couple of days, he’s been moody and even a little sullen, snapping at Jon a couple of times.Jon knew it wasn’t about him, per se, but more just Patrick being grumpy.It wasn’t anything that made Jon think Patrick wanted to break up or move out, but more that there was something on Patrick’s mind that was bothering him.

A few seconds later, Patrick came back out of the kitchen.

“You know what, never mind.I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“You feelin’ alright, Peeks?”

Patrick grunted at him as he walked down the hall to the bedroom.Jon let it go, instead getting up and going to the kitchen himself.He found some leftovers in the freezer and warmed them up in the microwave.He grabbed a couple of bottles of water and carried the food and drinks to the bedroom.Patrick was curled up on his side, the blanket pulled up to his chin.

“You asleep yet?”

“Un uh.”

“Come on, sit up.I brought you something to eat.”

Patrick sat up and took his plate of food and water from Jon.They sat and ate in silence for a little bit before Patrick spoke.

“Sorry.”

“For what?”

“Being a shithead the last few days.”Patrick pushed the food around on his plate.“I don’t know.I’ve just felt kind of blah.”

“Think you need to see one of the docs?Something with your head?Or your medicine?”

“Maybe.It’s been almost a year; did you realize that?A year since I got that first one.”

Jon paused.It hadn’t dawned on him that it had been a year, that it was December already.He’d lost track of days while on the trip.

“You haven’t had any problems, no migraines for a while.Maybe you could stop taking the shots.”

“Maybe.”Patrick sighed.He wasn’t sure he wanted to risk the pain coming back.If only Jon had figured out they were soulmates.He’d so been hoping that things would have changed on the trip, that his plan would have worked.

“Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up.What say we go shopping tomorrow and get some Christmas decorations.Get a tree and everything.”

That made Patrick perk up a little.“That sounds like fun.”

Jon smiled, then leaned over to give Patrick a quick kiss.If what was bothering Patrick had to do with it being December, and him thinking about what had happened last year, then Jon would do what he could to take Patrick’s mind off things.

“Okay.Decorating it is.”He said cheerfully.


	13. December 16th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Didn’t Jon feel it?  Has that what’s been wrong all day, is their bonding going to hit them in the middle of a game?  Patrick’s heard stories from his parents about the strange places and ways his relatives met their soulmates, about what happened sometimes when their souls bonded.  Everything from it being like touching an electric fence to it completely knocking them unconscious.  If that happened on the ice, well… but Jon acted like he hadn’t felt anything.  Was Patrick wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've had two fluff chapters in a row... well... this is definitely not another one...
> 
> Warning for description of death of Jon and Pat in a past life, in this chapter we learn what happened to Sam and Eric... if you want to skip it... it's the italicized parts...

_December 16, 1952_

_The patrol made its way through the rocky terrain, following the narrow roadway that led to yet another hilltop that they would be expected to take and hold at some point.  For now, they were just on a reconnoiter mission.  Observe and report back to the main unit, those were Sam’s orders.  It was routine, if that was possible in this area of operation.  Still, Sam was on alert as Thompson and Yates swept the road in front of him for land mines._

_“So, LT.” Eric strode alongside Sam.  “I haven’t seen any good spots to camp for the night.”_

_“Me neither.  Looks like we’ll just have to find a spot in the rocks.”  Sam turned to look at his soulmate, his second in command.  It wasn’t normal to have two Lieutenants in a company, but the army had made an exception for them, as it did for all partners serving together.  “At least I haven’t seen any North Korean troops in the area.”_

_Sam had no sooner said it and the first shell came in on them.  They all scrambled for cover.  One minute Sam was beside Eric, and the next he wasn’t._

_\----------------------------------------------------------------------­_

December 16, 2008

Jon took the ice for warm-ups, following his team out of the runway.  He took two laps and had to stop, going to stand near the bench for a minute.  His body felt off, not an injury sort of off, but just a general… off.  He also couldn’t get his mind to focus on hockey.  It had been this way since morning skate.  He watched Patrick skate past, running drills with the others.  Patrick gave him a troubled look and Jon just shook his head and fell back in to the rotation for warm-ups. 

Patrick couldn’t help but feel out of sorts today, it was one year to the day when he’d had the first episode where he knew his soul had reached out to Jon’s and been rejected.  One year.  He’d relaxed of late, thinking that the worst of it was over and for whatever reason Jon’s soul wouldn’t bond with his, at least it let Jon love him.  His soul, for its part, had evidently seen the light as well and quit reaching out for Jon’s.  But today, well, today he was uneasy about it and Jon acting funny wasn’t helping.  Patrick tried to stay focused on getting ready for the game, but it was hard.

A few of their teammates noticed that the two young stars were not on their game.  Patrick couldn’t hit the net at morning skate, shooting everything wide.  Jon had tripped over Ladd while he was stretching out, almost injuring both of them before the game even started. 

Coach Q noticed it all, too, maybe more acutely than their teammates.  What Quenneville saw was that every time Patrick and Jon were near each other, they began acting distracted and nervous.  This wasn’t just because they were together off the ice, that normally didn’t affect their on ice performance.  Today, something was different, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.  He asked Doc T, who said it could be a sign the wall between their souls was either coming down, or it was being made stronger.  The coach asked if he should sit one or both of them.  Terry kept an eye on the two during warm-ups and then back in the locker room as they went through their final prep for the game.  By that point, things seemed to be better.  Patrick was sitting next to Jon laughing and joking and chirping at Duncs.  Terry told Q to let them both play, but keep an eye on things.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_The sun was starting to peek its head up over the horizon when Eric heard the radio crackle.  It had been an excruciatingly long night with a severely wounded Sam in his arms.  The temperature had dropped down well below freezing and they hadn’t had the luxury of being able to build a fire to stay warm.  Bastogne had been the coldest time in Eric’s life, he never thought anything could be worse.  North Korea in December was worse._

_The only good thing about the cold was that it may have slowed Sam’s bleeding down, slowed his vitals down enough to keep him alive until the evac could get to them.  With the dawn, they’d only have to hold on for a little while longer.  He held on to Sam and whispered into his ear._

_“Still with me?”_

_“Yeah.  God I’m cold.  Heard the radio, they on their way?”_

_“Be here soon.  You gotta hold on, kay.  I promise.  I’m gonna get us out of here.”_

_The shelling had continued throughout the night, but at least no ground troops had rushed their position.  Eric didn’t think they’d have been able to put up much of a fight to hold them off if it had happened.  They were well protected in the rocks.  He’d tried to call in the coordinates for where he thought the shelling was coming from, but so far, the U.N. forces hadn’t returned any fire.  He kept wondering what they were waiting for, then, he heard the sound of approaching troops and an explosion rocked a far hillside._

_“Good guys coming, Sam.  Not too much longer.  Gonna get you to a MASH.  You’re gonna be okay, baby.  I promise.”_

_\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Jon stood between Patrick and Sharpy as the national anthem played.  His skin was crawling underneath his sweater and pads. The hair on the back of his neck was standing up.  He’d never felt this way before a game before.  When the song ended, he tried to skate a couple of laps to see if he could get himself settled down.  When he took the opening face-off against the Blues David Backes it was a little better, but his uneasy feeling was still there.  They’re well into the first period before he is able to feel like he can completely focus on the game.

On the bench, Patrick’s leg bumps against Jon’s and even through all the layers he can feel the small electrical shock.  He jerks his leg back.

“What?” Jon growls.

“Nothing.”  Patrick snaps back. 

Didn’t Jon feel it?  Has that what’s been wrong all day, is their bonding going to hit them in the middle of a game?  Patrick’s heard stories from his parents about the strange places and ways his relatives met their soulmates, about what happened sometimes when their souls bonded.  Everything from it being like touching an electric fence to it completely knocking them unconscious.  If that happened on the ice, well… but Jon acted like he hadn’t felt anything.  Was Patrick wrong?

The next time they come off a shift, Jon purposely has Sharpy sit between them.  So, he did feel something, Patrick thinks.

They go in for the first intermission tied at zero.  Jon, uncharacteristically heads to one of the trainer’s rooms instead of his stall.  Patrick is confused and worried, but doesn’t go after him.  At the start of the second period, Jon is back and ready to hit the ice again, looking completely okay.

He keeps Sharpy between them on the bench, however.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_“Lay down some covering fire.”  Eric yells at his men.  “Start moving the wounded to the Jeeps.”_

_There’s too much shelling and ground fire to bring in a chopper to get the wounded out.  All Eric could think about was how the trip to a MASH strapped to the back of a Jeep might kill Sam.  He had to get him out of here, though._

_A medic rushes up with a stretcher and they manage to get Sam loaded.  Eric grabs one end, while the medic grabs the other and they make for the closest Jeep.  They heft the stretcher up on the back and the medic jumps in beside him._

_“You coming?” The guy looks at Eric._

_“Gotta stay.  Needed here.”_

_“We’ll have you back in a few.  Just going over the hill to a clearing where they can bring a chopper in.”_

_Eric looks down at Sam who is pale as a ghost.  Sam opens his eyes, silently pleading.  Eric climbs in the Jeep and holds his hand as they speed off for the clearing._

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------­_

Jon’s line is on the ice late in the second period.  Duncs is holding the puck behind the net, waiting for the forwards to swing back into the zone before moving the rush forward.  Patrick’s on the left-wing, Sharpy on the right.  They wheel in unison over their own blue line and turn towards the Blues end.  Duncs slaps the puck up ice to Jon. 

The Blues check hard coming through the center, but a couple of snap passes has the puck in the Hawks’ offensive zone.  Jon shoots a pass to Patrick who snaps a one-timer at the net.  Their goalie blocks it to the corner and Jon chases after it.  He about to play the puck when Roman Polak slams into him, propelling Jon hard against the boards, Polak’s shoulder hammering Jon’s head against the glass.  Jon crumples to the ice.

Across the rink, Patrick sees the hit, watches as Jon falls.  His stick falls from his hands as a blinding white light flashes behind his eyes.  Pain shoots through his head as he brings his hands up to his face.  His knees buckle and he drops to the ice.  Duncan is closest to him, rushing to Patrick’s side as Sharpy rushes to Jon.

“No!  Eric!  No!” Patrick screams out in pain.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Sam can see the chopper as it skims over the ridge and makes a small circle before setting down a short distance away.  Eric and the medic lift his stretcher off the Jeep.  There are a couple of other wounded being carried that way as well._

_“Hey, he can only carry two in the litters.” One of the other medics yells._

_“Think you can sit up?” Sam’s medic asks him, yelling to be heard over the whirl of the blades._

_Sam nods.  “Just get me there.”_

_They load the two side litters with the other stretchers, then Eric and the medic help Sam into the seat next to the pilot._

_“I’ll come find you as soon as I can.”  Eric leans in and kisses Sam.  “I promise.”_

_Sam nods, holding his wound tightly.  “You better.”_

_Eric and the others run back to the Jeeps and turn to watch the chopper take off.  Sam keeps his eyes fixed on Eric, hoping that he’ll see him again, but his wound is serious.  Eric waves his hand at him._

_Sam sees Eric’s head snap back and watches him fall to the ground.  His breath sucked out of his lungs.  A burning heat spreads across his chest.  Pain explodes in his head.  He can feel the bullet in his brain, feel it just as if it had hit him and not Eric._

_“No!  Eric!  No!”_

_The bond ripping apart feels like a sword slashing at Sam’s body.  His soul tries to reach out through the bond.  Tries to pull Eric back to him, but it’s too late. He knows the second Eric’s heart stops beating.  The blinding white light that flooded over him initially starts to fade to grey, then a black fog envelopes him._

_“You promised.” Sam breathes out as his soul gives in to the pain and the darkness._

_At the MASH unit, they gently lift his lifeless body from the chopper._

_\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Jon opens his eyes, he can hear Sharpy talking to him.  Everything is a little blurry, and it takes a few seconds for his brain to catch up and realize he was down on the ice.  One of the trainers was by his side now.

“Jonny?  Hey,” he hears, “Taze, you with me?”

“Uh, yeah.  Yeah, I think so.”  Jon took stock of all his parts.  Fingers and toes moved.  He pushed himself up on his hands and knees and sat back on his heels.  “Wow.  Who the fuck hit me?”

“Polak.  You okay?”

Jon looks up.  Sharpy’s face is ashen, panic written across his normally calm features.

“What?”

He turns his head and sees the trainers gathered around Patrick who is lying motionless on the ice.

“No!  Peeks!”  He tries to scramble to his feet.  “What happened?  Sharpy?  What?”

“He collapsed when you got hit.  I don’t know why.”

Jon’s knees buckle under him as he tries to stand.

“Okay, Jon.  Just sit.  Doc’s with Patrick.  Let’s focus on you, okay.”

Jon brings his hand to his head as he slumps back against the boards, as a bright white light violently floods his brain.  Patrick.  He can feel Patrick’s soul.  Jon’s afraid for a moment, but everything about this is different.  Patrick’s soul is reaching for him, seeking Jon’s soul.  It’s there, right there.  Jon clenches his eyes shut.

“Jon?  Jon, what’s wrong?  Your head?” He hears the trainer asking him.  He can’t answer.

The energy from Patrick’s soul is sending electric charges through Jon’s body, sharp tingling sensations that spread from his heart out through his arms and legs.  Jon’s soul reaches back, wanting to pull Patrick’s soul in close, to entwine itself around the other soul.  Jon’s mind calls out to Patrick.  Then it jumps back sharply.

Sam.  Sam.  Sam.  Sam.  Sam.

The name echoes over and over in Jon’s head.  While he knows the name, knows that Sam was Patrick in another life, he doesn’t remember that life.  None of his dreams have been about a life with Sam.  Patrick’s soul senses the hesitation and pulls away.

“No, please.” Jon whispers.  “Please come back.  Patrick.  Please.”


	14. Me Without You Is Okay, You Without Me Isn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon stared at her.  “So, because we both died at the same time, it screwed us up?”  
> “Something like that.”  She says.  “I think, I think Sam wasn’t supposed to die then.  I think he died because of Eric dying.”  
> “Let me look over your journal, see if I can figure out something before I say anything else.  Okay?”

“He’s waking up.”  Someone says.  “Jon?  Jon, can you hear me?”

His eyes open slowly.  Nothing looks familiar.  He was on the ice.  Now he’s not.  He closes his eyes again, trying to make his brain work.

“Tazer?  Buddy, can you hear me?  You gotta open your eyes, bud.  Come on, we need you to wake up.”

Brent.  That’s Brent, but it sounds like he’s calling to him from far away.

His eyelashes flutter.  He forces his eyes open.

There’s light coming from somewhere behind him, but the rest of the room is dark.  He can make out two large forms in front of him.  He closes his eyes again.

His mind searches for something unseen.  His soul searches for it.  Patrick.  His soul is there, at the fringe of Jon’s awareness, but there nonetheless.  Jon can’t feel a bond.  It isn’t there.

“Jonny.  You have to wake up.”  Brent gently shakes his shoulder.

Jon responds, but keeps his eyes closed.  “Where am I?  What happened?”

“Hey there, welcome back.”  Brent says.  “Had us worried.  You got boarded, then you passed out when you tried to get up.”

“Patrick.”  Jon’s voice is shaky.  “Is Patrick okay?”

“Jon, what do you remember about what happened?”

That’s Doc T, not Brent.  Why isn’t he with Patrick?

“Patrick?”  Jon asks again.

“Jon, did the soul bond happen?  Did you bond with Patrick?”

That’s not Doc T.  That’s Dr. Stewart.  Why is she here?  Why is she asking if they bonded?  His mind starts racing.

“No.  No, I don’t think so.” He answers weakly.  “Where’s Patrick?  What happened to him?”

“Patrick is in ICU.  He collapsed just after you got hit.  He hasn’t come to since then.”  She tells him.  “Are you sure your souls didn’t bond?”

Jon searches for the bond again.  He can’t feel it. 

“I need to see him.”  Jon says.  “Please.  I just want to see him.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patrick looks so small in the hospital bed.  His blond curls plastered to his head.  His skin, normally light and fair, as pale as the crisp white hospital sheets.  His eyes closed.  His lips slightly parted.

Jonny stands at the end of the bed watching the slow, steady rise and fall of Patrick’s chest.  His eyes go to the monitor next to the bed.  Nothing about the numbers or the bright colored line of the heart monitor spiking at regular intervals seems out of the norm to Jon, but then again, he’s not a doctor. 

He steps around to the side, finds a chair and pulls it up next to the bed.  His hand goes to touch Patrick, but stops, hanging in mid-air over his arm.  He’s afraid, afraid to touch Patrick of all things.  It’s stupid.  But the fear of the unknown is a strong deterrent.  Fear of hurting Patrick is a strong deterrent.

“Patrick?”  He looks up at the monitor, watching for a reaction to his voice.  “Patrick, please stay with me.”

He lays his hand down on Patrick’s arm, just letting it rest there.  Patrick’s eyelids twitch, and his heart rate increases, but just a little, nothing alarming.  Yet, Jon adds in his head, nothing alarming yet.  He closes his eyes, seeking Patrick’s soul.  It’s still there, he can still feel it.  It’s almost as if it is a small child hiding in a corner far away from something that frightened it, or that hurt it.  Jon tries to reach out. 

He can feel Patrick’s heart start to race.  Jon looks up at the monitor again, it’s over 120 beats per minute.  Jon rubs his hand up and down Patrick’s arm.

“I’m sorry.  It’s okay.  I’ll stay away.  You need to calm down, Patrick.  It’s okay.”

Then he stops.  And thinks.  He closes his eyes tightly, letting his mind go back to where Patrick is.

“Sam.  I’m sorry.  Please.  Please, stay here.”

Patrick’s heart rate slows.  His breathing levels off again.  But he doesn’t wake up.

Jon sits and just holds Patrick’s hand.

The next day Jon is released from the hospital.  His parents have arrived to stay with him as long as he needs his mother says.  He smiles and thanks her.  As long as he needs.  The problem is they can’t give him what he needs.  He needs Patrick.

He stops to check on Patrick, visiting for a moment with Donna and Pat, Sr., who have also come to Chicago.  There has been no change in Patrick’s condition.  Donna assures Jon that she’ll call him if there is, and that Jon needs to rest.  Again, he thinks, people telling me what I need.  He squeezes Patrick’s hand.  I need you, he thinks in his head, projecting his thoughts at Patrick’s soul.  _I need you.  Please come back to me._

The first thing Jon does when he gets home is to find his journal and go over everything he’s written down since he started it.  He finds a reference to the name Sam, but no details.  Except.  It’s a complete name.  Sam Evans.  It’s a starting point at least.

A strange feeling fills him when he types the name into Google and hits the enter button.  Because of the mini-series that came out several years ago, there is a ton of information about paratroopers in World War II.   It takes a lot of digging to find any reference to Sam Evans, but there it is.  Including a picture.

Jon stares.  Stunned by what he sees.

Except for maybe different hair color, and eye color, the features are the same.  He could have been looking at a picture of him and Patrick. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

“Can you explain this to me?” Jon asks Dr. Stewart, placing a copy of the photo on her desk.

She picks it up, looking at the two men closely.  She has seen pictures of individuals from previous lives on very rare occasions.  She is astonished by this one, because she has never seen such a strong resemblance.

“Do you remember anything about being this person, Eric, you said?  I’m at a loss, Jon.  I’ve never seen anything quite like this extent of similarity.”

“I can’t remember anything.  But this was recent, right.  Have you ever heard of souls coming back this fast?  And knowing about it?”  He scrubbed his hand through his hair.  “This is just too weird.  I can’t deal with this.  And Patrick, jesus.  What’s happening to him?  Why isn’t he waking up?”

“I don’t know, Jon.  We’re trying to figure it out.” 

She sounds stressed.  And she should, Jon thinks.  It’s been a week since the incident on the ice and Patrick still hasn’t so much as opened his eyes once.  Jon hasn’t practiced, hasn’t played, hasn’t done much of anything except sleep, eat and sit next to Patrick.  And look up this Sam Evans and Eric Matthews on the internet. 

Patrick collapsing on the ice at the same time Jon took the hit has the hockey world speculating.  A story about them possibly being a bonded pair hit the news the morning Jon was released from the hospital.  It’s not unheard of, there are a few bonded pairs around the league.  For their part, the Blackhawks release a statement that the two of them had suffered undisclosed injuries and would be out indefinitely.  The whole organization was being nothing but supportive.  Most of the guys stopped by during the first couple of days to check on them, but the Hawks flew out today for a three-game road trip.  So, it is just Jon, Patrick and their families now.  Waiting.

Jon, however, is done waiting.  Something needs to be done.  So, he sits in Dr. Stewart’s office, demanding answers about Patrick, and trying to figure out everything he’s found about Sam and Eric.

“What can I do to help him?”  Jon asks at one point.

“Just what you’ve been doing.  Sit with him.  Talk to him.  You say you can still feel his soul, but there’s no bond.  At least it is not pushing you away still.”

“It’s there, but, well,” Jon pauses.

“What?  Is there something wrong?”

“I think it’s my soul that had pushed his away.”  Jon admits to her.  He sees the confused look on her face and he lets his thoughts and emotions come pouring out.  “I think.  I don’t know.  It’s all so confusing in my mind.  And, well.  I think the soul thinks it’s still Sam.  That sounds crazy.  This whole thing sounds crazy.  Nobody seems to know what to do.  Nobody has any reference points.  Nobody’s even heard of a case like this.  Fuck.  It’s crazy and it’s all messed up, and I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t know what to do to help Patrick and I’m afraid I’ve lost him and… and… fuck.”

Dr. Stewart listens as Jon rambles on for a few more minutes.  Watches as he wipes at his eyes, trying to hold back the tears without much success.  Finally, Jon puts his face in his hands and just breaks down.  She gets up and walks around to sit in the chair next to his, putting her arm across his shoulders to console him.

“It’ll be okay, Jon.  We’ll figure this out.  We’ll get Patrick better, okay.  It may take time, but we’ll do this.  I have an idea, would you be willing to try hypnosis?  Maybe we can bring out your memories of Eric’s life.  Maybe that would help.”

“You think so?”  Jon managed to say between silent sobs.

“Maybe, but at this point, I don’t know what else to try.  I’ve had some success with helping people remember things.  But again, never in circumstances quite like this.”

“When can we try?”

“You calm yourself down, get yourself collected, and we’ll give it a go now.  Okay?”

Jon nods and takes a few deep breaths.  It takes him a half hour to get to the point where Dr. Stewart thinks she can get him to go under.  It takes a little bit, she’s patient, easing him down bit by bit until she sits back in her chair.

“Eric?” She asks quietly.  “Where are you?”

“It’s dark.  Where’s Sam?” Jon questions.  His voice sounds odd to her, an accent she doesn’t recognize at the edges.

“Sam’s been hurt, Eric.  What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Sam’s hurt?”  It’s a question at first, then a statement.  “Sam’s hurt.  I didn’t think he’d live through the night.”

“Eric.  What’s the last thing you remember about Sam?”

“I put him on the chopper.  The medic, he thought that if we could get him to the MASH, Sam might make it.  He’s on his way to the field hospital.”

“That’s what you remember?  You’re sure?”

“Yes.  Sam’s going to be okay.  I have to believe that.  I have to get back to my guys.  I can’t, I can’t worry about him and take care of them.  I have to…”

Jon’s hand comes up to the side of his head and his face contorts in pain.

“Eric?  What happened?  Eric?”

“Sam.”  Jon cries out.

“Okay.  Okay.  Jon, I’m going to count to three and you’re going to wake up.  Everything is fine.  You’re safe.  You’ll remember what happened to Eric.  One.  Two.  Three.”

Jon’s eyes snap open, a look of fear and panic replacing the pained expression.

“Jon?  Are you okay?”

“Oh god!  Oh god!” Jon whispers.  “Sam died.  I didn’t.  He didn’t.  He didn’t know Sam died.  Oh my god.”

“That could have caused the crisis in this life.  The bond was ripped apart violently, but only one side of the bond felt it that way.”

“I don’t understand.”  Jon says.  “I mean, I told you about Russia.  Vladi died suddenly, wouldn’t that have ripped the bond apart violently?  Isn’t that the same?  But, I can remember that life.  And it, well, does that mean we had a crisis before this?  I’m confused.”

“Petr lived for a few years after Vladi died.  Isn’t that what you said you remember from the dreams?  Petr didn’t die when Vladi’s soul was ripped away.  Sam did.  Yes, there are similarities, but there are some big differences, too.  And, you can’t remember a life that was shortly after the time in Russia.  But here we have you both back within what I would call, the blink of an eye in the whole time space thing.  I’m speculating, but I think I’m on the right track with this.  I need to do some research, talk to some other people who deal with soul bonds.  We guessed that something violent happened in your last life together, right.  I just don’t think we ever imagined that it had been so recent.”

Jon stared at her.  “So, because we both died at the same time, it screwed us up?”

“Something like that.”  She says.  “I think, I think Sam wasn’t supposed to die then.  I think he died because of Eric dying.”

“Let me look over your journal, see if I can figure out something before I say anything else.  Okay?”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day Jon sits in Dr. Stewart’s office again.  It’s Christmas Eve, he wants to go to be with Patrick, but she had called and asked him to come in.

“I think I’ve found something.”  She says.  “From what you’ve written.  I need you to tell me that you are sure that you remember things this way, okay?”

Jon nods.

“Alexander and Joshua.  Alexander died first?”

“Yes.”

“And we know Vladi died before Petr.”  She says.  “Okay.  Micah and Christrian.  Micah died before Christian, right?”

“Yes…” Jon draws the word out into a questioning sound.

“You mention a Sean at one point, but there’s not a lot of detail.”

“Sean and Ethan.  London.  Sean died before Ethan, before… me.”  Jon picks up on what she’s saying.  “Patrick.  In all the lives, Patrick died first.  Except…”

“Except for when he was Sam.” She finishes.  “His soul was never alone in a life, at least not after it had bonded with yours.” 

“Until that one time.”  Jon said.

“Until Eric died.  That’s what I’m thinking.  The power of that loss, that instantaneous fear of being alone. overwhelmed it.  It caused enough trauma to make it afraid to bond this time.  But, your soul has an issue because it has never been the one to go first.  It maybe is rejecting the idea that Sam died.  It’s all very strange, and for you to be so aware of your soul, of Patrick’s soul, is rare.  It has to be because you came back so quickly.  Your souls are still tied to their lives as Sam and Eric.  It’s extremely rare.  I only found a couple of references to similar cases, and they are from nearly thirty years ago.”

“What does this all mean?  I mean, how will knowing this help Patrick?  What do we need to do?”

“That’s still part of the unknown, Jon.  This isn’t a simple bond crisis as we thought.  This may be more serious.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd... mistakes are all mine...
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments, always make me happy, always most appreciated!


	15. They Say History Repeats Itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s matched up dates from Sam and Eric’s lives with events in his own and Patrick’s lives.  History repeating itself?  In addition to birthdays being the same, he checks the dates of when Patrick had incidents with the bond crisis.  December 16th is of course the big date, the day both Sam and Eric died.  It’s the first time Patrick was stricken, too.  And then what happened this last time.

Christmas comes and goes.

New Year comes and goes.

Jon goes back to practice, back to playing.

It is mid-January and the apartment is still decorated for Christmas.  Jon can’t bring himself to take down the tree he and Patrick bought, or all the decorations.  It’s good it’s artificial, Jon thinks as he looks at the tree, or else it would be a real fire hazard by now. 

Jon visits Patrick every day when he’s in Chicago and calls Donna every day when he’s on the road.  His parents went back to Winnipeg right after the first of the year.  The ‘Hawks have been putting the Kanes up in a hotel suite.  They have all endured test upon test, heard theories and speculations, talked to other experts besides Dr. Stewart, and yet Patrick remains in a coma a month later.

Jon sits next to Patrick’s bed when he goes to visit.  He reads to Patrick.  Watches TV.  Brings in his laptop and watches game video. Sits and holds his hand. For the first few weeks, he would try to reach out to Patrick’s soul with his thoughts.   It had been there, hiding at the farthest recess of his mind, but it was there.  Then, one day it wasn’t.  Jon had called out to it in his brain, over and over.  Patrick, or Sam, was just gone.

Jon is lost.

He could go through the motions of everyday life.  He could play hockey.  He could put on a smile and talk to the press, go out with his friends and teammates, do everything that was expected of him.  But it is all just an act.  Life is meaningless without Patrick to share it with.

January fades into February.

The Kanes need to get back to Buffalo.  The girls have been staying with family and friends, but they need their parents.  They talk about moving Patrick home, but Dr. Stewart and the others are convinced that if there is any hope of him coming back he needs to be near Jon.  They are hoping, because all they have is hope at this point, that Jon’s soul will be able to find Patrick again.  So, Donna and Pat, Sr., go home without Patrick.

Jon has spent time looking up more about Sam and Eric.  He’s found out a lot of information.  Their birthdates are the same as Jon and Patrick.  Sam had three sisters, just like Patrick.  All have passed away.  Eric had a brother.  His parents and brother were killed in a car accident shortly after Eric died.   There are no relatives left.  No nieces or nephews.  No children.  Jon imagines how strange it would be to have been able to meet any relatives from his previous life. Maybe the fact that there aren’t any is by design by whatever powers control the universe.

He’s matched up dates from Sam and Eric’s lives with events in his own and Patrick’s lives.  History repeating itself?  In addition to birthdays being the same, he checks the dates of when Patrick had incidents with the bond crisis.  December 16th is of course the big date, the day both Sam and Eric died.  It’s the first time Patrick was stricken, too.  And then what happened this last time.

He wonders if he can match up other dates with other lives.  He checks his journal for the date he first dreamed of Vladi and Petr.  Then he went digging into records on several genealogical sites.  And there it was.  A Vladimir Borostanko died on that day in 1472, as recorded in the records of a small village church.  A few years later, a Petr Borostanko’s death was recorded.  Is it possible they hid their relationship by posing as brothers?

He finds the date that Patrick was stricken at the end of last season.  It’s another important day to Eric and Sam, the day that they shipped out for England during World War II.  He looks for more dates.

There is a rather important one coming up the end of February.  It is the date that Sam and Eric may have met for the first time, when they first reported to Toccoa for Airborne training.  If it was the day they met, maybe it was the day their bond began.  Maybe, just maybe.

They are supposed to be on the road over that day, however.  Jon goes to Stan, Doc T, and Dr. Stewart with his theory.  He asks to be scratched, to be allowed to stay in Chicago with Patrick.  If he is right, this might be a chance to get Patrick back.  They agree to try. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 25th.

Jon feels hopeful for the first time in months.  He wakes to a beautiful late winter day in Chicago, unseasonably warm and sunny.  He spends some time getting up and moving, leisurely fixing breakfast, eating, and then doing the dishes.  He goes through his other morning routines, yoga, bathroom, shower.  Finally, he calls his parents, then Donna.

He drives over to Johnny’s Icehouse and skates on his own for an hour, then works out for a while.  He gets lunch and goes home to take a nap.  When he wakes up, he packs his overnight bag, grabs his laptop and drives to the hospital.  He stops to pick up some take-out for dinner to have later.  On the way to Patrick’s room, he stops to visit with the nurses.  He’s gotten to know all of them over the past couple of months.  They have taken such good care of Patrick.

When he gets to Patrick’s room, he finds him as he has every other day he’s been there.  He still looks small, and maybe he’s lost weight.  His hair is longer, loose curls framing his face now.  He’s still very pale as well.  The heart monitor is gone, the only equipment still there is the IV that provides Patrick with daily nutrition.  Well, that and the bags and tubes for bodily functions.  Jon doesn’t think about that often, about what has to go into carrying for Patrick in his current state.

The plan is for Jon to spend the night with Patrick for the next two nights.  The important date is the 26th, and they want Jon to be with Patrick the entire 24 hours of that day.  Jon unpacks his laptop, and changes into some comfortable sweats and a t-shirt.  He talks to Patrick while he does, a running dialog about his day.  Once he’s changed, he settles into the large recliner that had been brought into Patrick’s room when his parents were still here.  He eats his tacos and surfs the net for a little while.  The nurses come in to check on him, then say that they’ll leave them alone unless Jon needs them at any point.

Jon turns on the TV and finds the ‘Hawks game.  He sits in the chair, reaching over to hold Patrick’s hand as he watches the game.  He falls asleep like that before the end of the third period.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

_He sees him across the assembly yard standing outside the officers’ quarters.  A hint of dark hair sticking out under his crush cap.  He was a little taller than him.  Broad through the shoulders and narrow waisted.  The smile on his face, the way his eyes lit up, everything about him screamed familiarity at Sam.  Whoever this man was, Sam knew he was his soulmate._

_“Eric.  Eric Matthews.” He said, sticking his hand out to greet the red-head who had joined the group of officers standing outside their new home._

_“Sam Evans.” Sam said, taking the offered hand._

_The bolt of electricity that swept up from their hands made both men jump.  Waves of closeness, warmth, intimacy washed over Sam.  This man was his, had always been his.  He saw flashes of other times, other faces, but always the same soul._

_“Holy shit,” Conor Murphy swore.  “I’ve never seen that happen in person.”_

_“What was that?” Joe Thomas asked, not sure what he had just witnessed._

_“Soulmates.” Murph explained.  “They’re soulmates.”_

_Sam and Eric were just standing there, staring at each other, hands still clasped together._

_“Hey, um, fellas, I think you need to…”  Miller Anderson started to say something, to suggest that Sam and Eric should find someplace to have some private time._

_“Uh, yeah.” Eric interrupted him.  “We, uh.  Do you want to…”_

_Sam nodded his head, letting Eric lead him into his room._

_“I’ve heard about it happening like that,” Sam says once they are in private, and his head has cleared enough that he can think again.  “I just didn’t expect it.  I knew, though.  Knew the minute I saw you.”_

_“Do you think it would be strange if I said that all I can think about right now is kissing you?” Eric blushed.  “I mean, given that we just met?”_

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Jon wakes up the next morning.  Patrick is mumbling something.  Jon strains to make it out, then his brain catches up.

Patrick is mumbling something!

Jon pushes the call button for the nurse.

“Patrick.  What is it?  What are you telling me?  Patrick?”  Jon talks to him.

The nurse sticks her head in the room to ask Jon what he needs.  When he tells her, she hurries to find either Dr. Terry or Dr. Stewart, hoping that one or the other is in the hospital already.

By the time Dr. Terry gets there, not only is Patrick still mumbling incoherently, but his eyelids are twitching, the way they do when someone is deep in REM sleep.  Jon keeps talking to Patrick, urging him to wake up, to open his eyes.

“This is good, right?” He asks Doc T.

“I think so.  His vitals are all good.  He’s been like this since you woke up?”

Jon nods.

“Okay.  Keep talking to him.  If there’s any change, let a nurse know.  I’m going to tell them not to disturb you two otherwise.  I think you should be alone, it might be your best way to reach him.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The scene plays over and over again in Patrick’s mind.  That first time he met Eric.  The connection, the bond that formed when he shook Eric’s hand had been overwhelming, sending his mind reeling.  He didn’t know how he had made it this far in his life without having this man in it.  Couldn’t imagine his life from this point on without this man in it.

It’s not the only scene he sees.  England.  Normandy.  Belgium.  Germany.  All of the various places they ended up during World War II.  He sees them together in all those places. 

Then the images of Korea come.

He calls for Eric.  Tells him to come back to him.  All he gets in return is silence.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon climbs on the bed next to Patrick, sliding his arm under Patrick’s head and shifting him so that Patrick’s head rests on his chest.  Jon runs his fingers through the long curls and kisses the top of Patrick’s head.

“I’m here.  Please.  Please come back to me.”

Jon closes his eyes, letting his thoughts clear.  His soul searches for Patrick.  At first, there is nothingness, just darkness surrounding him.  Then he feels it.  Warm.  Bright.  But, afraid.  Then he hears the thoughts, or more like, he feels them.

_“You left me.  You promised.  You said we’d get out.  You promised.”_

_“Sam.”_ Jon thinks.  _“I didn’t know.  I couldn’t.”_

The other pulls back.

 _“No.  Please.  Please stay.”_ Jon pleads in his mind.  It comes across as urgent and desperate.  He stops, tries to force his thoughts back to a calm, controlled state.

 _“Eric?”_ The other soul sends.  Then.  _“Jonny.”_

He feels confusion.

_“Yes.  I know you can feel it.  I’m here.  Please.  Come to me.”_

_“No.  No.  You aren’t him.  No.”_

Patrick’s soul withdraws again.  Not completely, though, instead going to the fringe of Jon’s awareness again, hovering there.  Everything around it is clouded with uncertainty.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

“Jon?  Jon, wake up.”

Someone is shaking his shoulder.

“Jon, wake up.”

It’s Amanda, one of the nurses. 

“Dr. Terry said we should go ahead and wake you up.”

“What time is it?” Jon asks, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.  Patrick is still tucked up against him, but the mumbling and eye movement has apparently stopped.

“After six.”  Amanda states.  “If you want to get up, we can bring you some dinner.”

“Did he wake up at all today?”

She shakes her head sadly.  “No, I’m sorry.”

Jon slips his arm out from around Patrick and sits up, legs hanging over the edge of the bed.  He runs his hand through his hair.  He’s exhausted despite having slept the better part of the last 24 hours.  He gets up so Amanda can straighten the bed and check on Patrick, wandering to the bathroom.  When he comes back out, she is waiting by the bed.

“Dinner?”

“Yeah, that would be fine.  Thank you.”

She pats his arm lightly as she walks past him and out of the room.

Jon sits in the recliner and calls his parents and Donna with the disappointing news.  He’s afraid he really has lost Patrick forever.  And, it looks like he’s lost his soulmate for forever as well.

After he eats dinner, he finds a hockey game on TV, falling asleep again while it’s on.  Amanda comes in to check on him around 10 pm.  Jon’s in the chair, but slumped forward over the bed, his head resting on Patrick’s arm.  She throws a blanket over his back and goes to walk out.  She notices that there is something out of place about the picture before her.  She stares for a few minutes. 

Patrick’s arm.

Jon’s head is on Patrick’s left arm.  But Patrick’s right arm is across his body, his fingers in Jon’s hair.  The only way it could have gotten in that position was if Patrick put it there.

She bolts out of the room to go find one of the other nurses and to call Dr. Terry.  She doesn’t want to wake Jon yet, to get his hopes up if this is nothing.  Better to wait, to try and wake them together.

\----------------------------------------------------------

_“Jonathan Toews,” Jonny held out his hand.  “Nice to meet you.”_

_“Patrick Kane,” the smaller boy said as he shook Jon’s hand.  “You can call me Pat, or even Patty.  I answer to most anything.”_

_“Jon,” the other answered, “or Jonny.  I’m pretty easy, too.”_

Patrick can hear him.  Can start to feel his presence.  The images of Eric that have filled his mind drift away, like an ebb tide drifting out to sea.  New images come flooding in to the emptiness.   Images of Jon.

_“So, like what you see?”_

_“Stop it.  I wasn’t…”_

_“Oh, yeah you were.  You were checking out my amazing hockey ass.  Can’t fool me.”  Jon leans his head in, whispering into Patrick’s ear.  His hot breath makes the hair on the back of Patrick’s neck stand up, tingles spreading down his spine causing him to involuntarily arch his back and push his hips back against Jon’s.  He pulls away quickly._

_“I wasn’t.” Patrick says again, tensing when Jon presses their hips together again.  “And it’s not that amazing.”_

_“Really?”  Jon acts like he’s trying to turn and look at his own behind.  “I think it is.  As good as Crosby’s even.”_

_Patrick snorts.  “Not even close.”_

_“And, yet, you were looking.  Staring.”_

_Patrick squirms, turning around to face Jon, still trapped against the counter top, caged in by Jon’s arms and body.  He tips his head down, trying not to look up into Jon’s eyes, knowing that his own eyes would betray him._

_“Peeks?” Jon says softly, bringing his lips close to Patrick’s forehead._

_“Would you be upset if I was looking?”_

He can hear his name.  The tone of the voice calling to him is soft, comforting.  Safe.

The bright white drifts into his mind, spreading to every nook and cranny, filling him with warmth. 

Jon is right there.  He knows it.  If only he could reach out to him.

_“Wow.”  Patrick rolls over and lays his head on Jon’s back.  “I love you, Jonny.”_

_“I love you, Patrick.”  Jon answers back.  “Are you okay?”_

_“Oh, yeah.  I’m great.  Best birthday ever.  And you know what the best thing is?”_

_“Hhhmmm?”_

_“I don’t have to go home, cause I’m already home.  Home with you.”_

_“Home.  Our home.”_

_“Our home.”_

“Patrick, wake up.  Please.”

Jon squeezes his hand.  The nurses and Doc T stand beside the bed watching.  Patrick turns his head towards Jon’s voice.

“That’s it.  Come on, Peeks.  Wake up.  Come back to me.”

“J..J..Jonny?” Patrick says weakly.  It’s barely audible to anyone but Jon who has his face down close to Patrick’s.

Patrick’s eyelids twitch, the lashes fluttering against his cheeks.

“Yeah, Peeks.  I’m right here.”

“Jonny.” He says, a bit stronger, opening his eyes slowly.

“Hey there.”  Jon leans down and kisses his forehead. 

“Our home.”  Patrick says.

“What, Peeks.”

“I want to go home,” Patrick looks up into Jon’s eyes, “to our home.”


	16. To Be Patrick or... Not To Be Patrick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think so.  I watched him with the trainers.  He didn’t want to be on the ice.  I don’t know if that’s something with Patrick, or…” he voice trails off.  
> “Or what, Jonathan.”  
> “Or if it’s Sam.  What if, what if Patrick isn’t really Patrick anymore?  What if his soul is Sam.  Does that mean that he’s Sam really?  I tried asking Dr. Stewart, she didn’t have an answer.  Nobody can tell me anything.”

“Go slow.Take your time.Do you need to stop for a minute?Take a break?”

Patrick gives Jon a frustrated look.Jon has been like this since they left the hospital, hovering over Patrick like a nervous mother hen.

“I’m fine, Jonny.”

“Okay.”Jon has his arm wrapped protectively around Patrick’s waist as they make their way to the elevator of their apartment building.“I just don’t want you over-doing.”

“They wouldn’t have let me come home if I wasn’t okay, Jon.”Patrick says, his annoyance showing,

It’s been three weeks since Patrick woke up from the coma.After over two months of no activity, he needed to spend some time in rehab getting his strength back.He’d put most of the twenty pounds he’d lost back on, which was good, because Patrick really didn’t have the extra weight to have lost.It took him several days before he was steady enough on his feet to even stand up by himself.

They told him that he could start exercising more, to build his strength, and while they’d let him go home it would be at least another two to three weeks before they’d consider letting him start skating again.The ‘Hawks have made the playoffs, but unless they went to the finals, for all practical purposes Patrick’s season was over.

Jon knows Patrick is upset about that, or he thinks Patrick is upset.In reality, Patrick isn’t.What happened in December, followed by weeks in the coma sapped his strength, and for now, his will.The thought of being on the ice fills him with an unknown fear.The last thing he can tell anyone he remembers clearly is seeing Jon on the ice that night in December.That’s what he tells them.The truth is he’s not sure what he remembers.Dreams.Memories.It’s all a jumble in Patrick’s mind, even three weeks later.He wants to get it figured out.He wants to just be at home, as well.Home with Jon.

When Patrick had come out of the coma, Donna and Andree had both come back to Chicago to be with the boys for a couple of weeks.Donna wanted Patrick to return to Buffalo with her, telling him that Jon would be too busy with hockey and the coming playoffs to take care of Patrick properly.It had taken some reassuring from Andree for her to agree to let him stay in Chicago.That and the fact that Patrick told her he’d be allowed to travel with the team, so he’d be with Jon.That, Dr. Stewart and Dr. Terry told them all, was the best thing for Patrick.

Jon could feel Patrick’s soul, while it still emitted strong sensations of confusion and distrust, it had stopped hiding from Jon’s soul.But, there still was not a bond.And no one could figure that out.

Patrick, unlike Jon, couldn’t feel the other soul, hard as he tried.He’s not sure he’s even aware of his soul and the feelings it projects.It is just this brightness that fills his head.The pain that had always accompanied the flashes of light has stopped, thankfully.

\------------------------------------------------------

In the weeks after he woke up, Patrick learned what more about what had been plaguing him for so long.He learned that it wasn’t Jon’s soul, so much as it was his own, that was having the bond crisis.Even when he explained his theory, they told him that he wasn’t seeing the whole picture.Patrick wasn’t sure.

Jon told him about everything he’d found out about their past lives.Patrick told him about his dreams.They compared notes and thoughts.They talked about Eric and Sam.

“So, you’re saying that Sam, me, I died because Eric died?That his soul being torn away was too much for my soul?”

“Yeah, I think that’s what happened.”

“Wow,” Patrick pushed his hair back off his forehead, “this is mind-boggling.I mean, have you ever heard about anyone knowing so much about past lives?Have you even known anyone who knew they had a past life?”

Jon shook his head no.“It’s strange isn’t it.”

“I’m confused about something.How come you can, uh, well, you seem to be able to talk to my soul?I’ve tried.I’ve tried to reach yours, but it’s like I can’t feel it even.I mean, if it was my soul rejecting the bond, wouldn’t you think it would be the other way around?”

Jon think on that for a moment.“I guess you have a point.”

That was the last time they mentioned it, right after Patrick came home.Jon’s been afraid to bring up the issue since then, and so has Patrick.Things have been going okay and neither wants to rock the boat.

They’re on the road in St. Louis for games three and four of the first round of the playoffs when Patrick skates for the first time since December.He’s shaky.Everywhere he looks, he sees Jon on the ice.After just ten minutes he tells the trainers he’s done for the day.

He goes through some physical therapy time, then gets a massage and finally showers while the team practices.As he sits in the changing room, waiting for Jon, he decides to try something.

Patrick closes his eyes and leans back against the wall.He slowly breaths in through his nose, and out through his mouth, consciously controlling the rate of his breathing.He pushes everything else out of his head.The sounds of the team, the media, all of the activity around him fade away.There is nothing but the sound of his breathing.

“Jon.” He calls out softly in his mind.“Jonny?”

There is only silence.

He tries harder.Focusing even more.

“Jonny.”He calls more forcefully.

The white in his head brightens, grows intense.But there’s not pain with it.Then he hears the soft echo of a word.No, his soul says.No. No. No.The wave of confusion hits Patrick and his eyes snap open.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

“What do you mean?”Sharpy asks him.Patrick sits on the extra bed in Sharpy’s hotel room.

“I mean, can you talk to your soul?Or is it just like, there?”

“I still don’t get it.”

“Do you have a soulmate?”

“Um, yeah, Abby and I bonded last year.It took a little while for it to happen, I mean we dated a long time it seems before we did.Why?”

“So, you, your soul, it talks to Abby’s soul.I mean you can hear each other’s thought, feel what the other is feeling, things like that?”

“Most of the time, yeah.It’s not an every minute thing.It’s like, you can turn the talking on and off sometimes, it’s harder to do with the feelings, though.”Sharpy gives him a puzzled look.

“You and Jon, still no bond?”

“No.”Patrick sounds embarrassed.“So.Can I tell you something and you won’t laugh?Or think it’s stupid?”

Sharpy assures him that he won’t.

“When I say, can you talk to your soul I mean, like it’s another person.It’s like I’m one person and my soul is someone else.I’ve asked my folks, some other people, nobody’s heard of such a thing.It’s really weird, like having a stranger in my head.”

“That would feel strange,” Sharpy says, “I can’t say I’ve ever thought about it.Or, I don’t know, even ever tried to talk to my soul.It’s just like it’s me.Maybe like your inner-conscious sometimes?But not like another person.”

“And you can talk to yourself?”

“Yeah, I guess I can, Peeks.Never thought about it.”Sharpy sees the worry on Patrick’s face.“Have you tried?I know you said you’ve tried reaching out, tried to talk to Jon’s soul, but have you really tried to talk to your own?”

“That sounds so messed up.”

“Yeah,” Sharpy smiles.“Most things with you are messed up, but I love ya anyways.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Hawks go down in the second round to the Stars.Jon’s mad.The rest of the team is mad.Patrick is… relieved.No more games means no more being forced by the trainers to skate.He can put off having to be on the ice until closer to the start of next season.He wants to come back, at least that’s what he tells himself.But the fear that bad things happen on the ice still hangs over him.Maybe things will change for him this summer.

His parents aren’t happy that Patrick isn’t coming home to Buffalo.Jon’s parents aren’t happy that the boys aren’t coming to Winnipeg either.Well, they are coming, but not staying.Jon tells his parents that he wants to spend the summer at their cabin on the lake.Just him and Patrick.No family.

“He’s better, Maman.”Jon tells his mother over the phone as he’s making arrangements to come home.“Physically, at least.He’s gotten his strength back.But mentally, I’m worried.”

“Why, honey.What’s wrong do you think?”

“He’s quiet.And the few times I’ve tried to reach out to his soul, it’s been different.He’s just.Well, not Patrick exactly.”

“You’ve tried talking about it?”

“No.I don’t want to do something that will hurt him again.I thought I’d lost him, Maman.I don’t think I could take that feeling again.”

“But yet, you think being at the lake will help?”

“I think so.I watched him with the trainers.He didn’t want to be on the ice.I don’t know if that’s something with Patrick, or…” he voice trails off.

“Or what, Jonathan.”

“Or if it’s Sam.What if, what if Patrick isn’t really Patrick anymore?What if his soul is Sam.Does that mean that he’s Sam really?I tried asking Dr. Stewart, she didn’t have an answer.Nobody can tell me anything.”

“Honey, who do you feel like?”

“What?”

“Are you Jon, or are you Eric?”

“Jon.”He says firmly, without hesitation.“My soul says Jon.My heart says Jon.Everything says Jon.But when I reach out to Patrick, everything back to me says Sam.”

“Then maybe, you need to stop trying to reach Patrick, and reach for Sam instead.”

“And do what?”

“Tell Sam that you love him.Because you do.Your soul does, whether it’s Jon or Eric, or anyone else you remember.Your soul loves that soul.And it needs to know that.”


	17. We Are Them, They Are Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon and Patrick.  Us.  You and Eric.  Us.  
> Jon reaches for Sam at the same time.  He can already feel the confusion, the anger at Patrick mounting in Sam.  He thinks about the picture.  Images of Sam and Eric rush towards him.  This time, instead of sending thoughts about him and Patrick, Jon pushes the image of the photo to the front.   
> Patrick and Jon.  Patrick and Jon. Patrick and Jon.   
> Jon pushes the thoughts at Sam.  As if it is coming from a distance, Jon can suddenly make out Patrick’s voice.   
> Jon is Eric.  I love Jon.  Jon and Patrick.  We love Jon.  We love Jon.  Jon and Patrick. 

The lake is peaceful and quiet.  The sun on his skin is warm and comforting.  All of this is bringing him back to life.  He didn’t know how depressed he had been since he came out of the coma.  Didn’t think how hard he’d worked to get his body back into any kind of condition that he hadn’t thought about his mind, about his spirit.  He’d just accepted it the way it was, feeling lost in his own mind.

He closed his eyes and soaked up the sun, the energy.  He let his mind reach out.

_Sam.  Sam.  Sam I am._

The strange sensation filled his head.  He didn’t know how to explain it, something like standing next to a warm fire on a cold day.  Half of your body over-heated, half numbing cold.  For him, it is the half that is Sam that is the numbing cold.  His mind tries again to reach out.

_Sam.  Sam.  Sam._

He feels the words come back to him.  This part is even weirder, this feeling that he is two people.  But at least, the other person has finally let him in to the dark part of his mind.  The words that come back aren’t filled with the same fear and confusion that had been there before. 

Sam would send images of Eric.  Patrick would respond by thinking of Jon.  The words _not him_ would come back.  Again, Patrick would calmly send out one thought in return.  _Same._

He’d done this same exercise every day for the two weeks they’d been at the lake.  And every day it went the same way. 

Patrick lets his mind drift back to the present.

He brings his hand up to shade his eyes from the sun and looks over to his left.  Jon is stretched out on a towel.  Patrick takes in his sleeping form.  He looks rested after the season, his skin already darkening into a warm bronze after just a couple weeks in the sun.  Patrick himself has already burned once, peeled and is on his way to another sunburn he’s sure.  Curse his fair skin.

Jon has doted on him since they got here, catering to his every need.  All he wants if for Patrick to rest, Jon says whenever Patrick tries to do anything.  It’s kind of nice.  But it’s kind of annoying as well.  Patrick’s not incapacitated, he’s capable of getting a bottle of water if he wants one.

Jon stirs and rolls over.

“I’ll go get you some water.  Give me a minute.”  Jon mumbles, reaching up to rub his eyes.

“I can get it.”  Patrick sits up.

“No.  You want a water and I can go.  You just relax.  That’s why you’re here, to relax and get well.”

“What did you just say?”

“I said, you need to just relax.”

“No, no, before that.  How’d you know I want a water, that I was thinking about going to get one?”

“I don’t know, Peeks.  It’s hot and I just figured you’d want some water.”  Jon sits up, still trying to shake of the lingering sleepiness from his nap.

“Jon.  You were sound asleep dude.  And I didn’t say anything.  I just thought it.”  Patrick says excitedly.

“Huh?”  Jon opens his eyes and stares at Patrick.

Patrick closes his eyes.

_Jon.  Jon.  Jon._

He tries to reach out, but there is nothing there.

“Peeks, you okay?”  Jon says as he stands.  “Maybe you need to go in out of the sun for a while.”

Patrick opens his eyes.  He’d thought.  Hoped.  But, the connection isn’t there.

“Yeah, maybe I do just need to go in for a while.” He says as he gets up, grabs his towel and follows Jon up to the cabin.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon has danced around the one thing he had been hoping to try this summer while they were together, but alone.  Ever since he talked to his mother, he’s wondered what would happen if he tried to talk to Sam.  Not just the glancing moments of contact they’d had, fleeting moments shrouded in fear and confusion, but really reaching out and trying to make a connection.  He’s worried that it could hurt Patrick, take Patrick away from him.

A month into the summer he’s standing at the sink cleaning some fish for their dinner.  He’s not really thinking about anything except the fish when he hears it.  Patrick yelling for him.  Patrick needs him.  Now.

Jon runs out of the house and down to the dock, Patrick is sitting there rubbing his ankle.

“What happened?  You okay?”  Jon squats down next to him.

“I fell, twisted my ankle.”  Patrick grimaces.  “It’ll be fine, can you just help me get up.”

Jon gets Patrick up and lets him lean against him as Patrick hobbles in to the cabin.  Jon sits him down on the couch and goes to get some ice and a Gatorade.

“Here.” He says, handing it to Patrick.  Jon props Patrick’s ankle up on some pillows and puts the ice pack on it.

“No, we didn’t have any strawberry, sorry.  You drank it all already.”  Jon says, fussing to get the ice pack situated just right.

“What?  I didn’t say anything.  This is fine.”

“You did.  You said you wanted strawberry.”  Jon glances up at Patrick’s face.  Patrick looks puzzled.

“How’d you know I needed your help?”  He asks softly.

“You yelled.”  Jon answers.  “You yelled for me to come help you.”

“No I didn’t, Jonny.”  Patrick looks petrified.  “I didn’t yell anything, just like I didn’t ask for the Gatorade.”

Jon doesn’t move.

“I thought it.” Patrick finally says.

“But, I heard you.  Patrick?”  Jon gets up shakily and goes to sit in a chair.  “This means, but, I can’t, we’re not…”

“But you heard what I was thinking.  I think it’s happened a few other times, Jonny.  But, yeah, I can’t feel any bond.  What’s it mean?  Are we?  How can this be?”

Jon hears the fear in Patrick’s voice.  Knows what Patrick is thinking.  What if Jon’s soul bonded with Sam, and Patrick can’t feel it, can’t be a part of the bond.  How could that even be possible?  It’s like Patrick tries to explain to him, that they – Patrick and Sam – are two different people living inside Patrick’s mind.  Two people, but only one soul.  And that soul isn’t Patrick.

And yet, Jon is certain it was Patrick that called out when he was hurt and not Sam.  He sits back in the chair and closes his eyes, takes several long, slow breathes as he thinks.

“Jonny?  What?”

“Would you,” he hesitates, “would you be willing to try something?”

“Like what?”  Patrick says, equally hesitant.

Jon doesn’t answer, just keeps his eyes closed.  He lets his mind clear and then reaches out.

_Sam.  Please.  Talk to me._

He waits several seconds.  Then the image comes.

_Sam and Eric sit together on a porch swing.  It’s summer and hot, they are each sipping at a beer._

_“I never thought we’d ever get the chance to do this.” Sam says idly. “So many times I didn’t think we’d make it.”_

_“Never had a doubt,” Eric replies.  “You promised me we’d be okay.”_

_“So ready to leave all that behind.  Settle down, get jobs down at the factory, raise a family.”  Sam lets his hand rest on Eric’s thigh.  “With you.  This was worth all of it.”_

_“With you.”_

Jon watches the scene change.  Sees Sam at the recruiting office, signing up to go to Korea.  He wants to tell him to stop, but he can’t. 

 _I’m sorry._ Jon sends to Sam.  _You kept your promise.  I couldn’t.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I hurt you._

Images start coming at him from all angles, rapid fire.  Images of Eric.  Of Sam and Eric together.  Hundreds of images.  Thousands of images.  All in the blink of an eye.

 _He left me.  Eric.  Eric.  Eric._ Sam shouts at Jonny with each image.

_I’m Eric.  I’m here Sam.  I’m Jonny now.  But it’s me.  Come back to me.  Forgive me._

Jon feels it when Sam violently pulls away, leaving Jon’s mind empty and blank as the images go with him.  He blinks his eyes a few times, letting the world come back in to focus.  Patrick is on the couch right where he was, nothing bad happened to him.

“I said, what do you want to try, Jonny?”

“Huh.  I just, did you, what?”  Jon stammers.

“You zoned out for a few seconds, man.  I asked why you wanted to try and then you just ignored me.”

“Uh, yeah, sorry.  No, I was just thinking, but it’s not anything to worry about now.  How’s the ankle feel with the ice?”  Jon tries to change the subject.

“I don’t think it’s as bad as I thought.”  Patrick bites on the change.  “Course, I think you’re going to have to wait on me tonight.”

Jon stands up and walks over to Patrick, leaning down to give him a kiss.  “Of course.  What else have I been doing all summer.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Every chance he gets, Patrick reaches out to his soul, to Sam, over the next couple of weeks.  For every image that Sam projects of Eric, Patrick thinks of Jon.  He keeps hearing the words _Not Eric_ loudly in his head.  Patrick’s getting frustrated.  He starts to think that this is his life. 

Because of that, he’s not looking forward to summer ending and having to go back to hockey.  Part of him misses it.  Part of him is afraid.  Bad things happen when he’s on the ice.  Now he knows those bad things happen because of Sam.  If he and Sam aren’t of one mind on this, well, he just knows hockey won’t work.

But how do you bond with your own soul?  Patrick has tried.  He will keep trying.  As the days stretch into weeks, and now weeks start stretching into months, it is looking more and more hopeless.

On the positive side, his link with Jon grows stronger the more time they are together.  Neither of them will call it a bond, it doesn’t feel like a bond, but it is there, a connection between them.  It is easier for Patrick to think something and Jon to be able to know it than it is the other way around.  If they get nothing else this summer, they take this as a win.

For his part, Jon keeps reaching out to Sam as well.  He too sends images of himself and Patrick whenever Sam floods his mind with images of Eric.  Jon also sends another thought towards Sam… _Love You._   There are times, whole days, when Sam will not respond to Jon.  Jon can feel him, knows Sam is not hiding, but he is just not responding.  Jon sees Patrick’s frustration with his situation, which they’ve started talking about more often.  He tries to hide his own growing frustration with Sam.

He’s particularly agitated when Sam refuses to respond to him for three days in a row.  Patrick has even tried to reach out to his soul with no luck.  Jon wonders if they are near some special anniversary in his and Patrick’s past, if that is why Sam has gone silent.  He skims through his notebooks, not finding anything. 

As he’s setting the notebook down on the coffee table, a photo falls out.  Jon picks it up and stares at it.  It is the picture of Sam and Eric at Toccoa, the first one Jon ever saw of them.  He stares for several more minutes, and the light bulb goes on over his head.  He’s been going about this the wrong way.  It’s time for a new approach.

“Hey Peeks?” He calls out.

Patrick wanders in from the porch.

“What?”

Jon holds the picture up to Patrick.  “Remember I showed you this?”

“Yeah, still creeps me out a little.  Looks just like us.”  Patrick sits down next to him on the couch.

“I want you to do something, okay.  Try talking to Sam or whatever you do.  But this time, think about this picture.  I mean, stare at it while you do if you have to, but think really hard about this picture and then say that it’s you and I, not Sam and Eric.”

“Huh?”

“We’ve been trying to show him us, you and me.  If he can’t see that we’re the same as him and Eric that well, maybe this picture will do it. Does that make any sense?”

“Sorta, maybe.”  Patrick takes the picture from Jon.  “You think my soul might understand this?”

“I think it’s worth a try.”

Patrick and Jon both work to clear their minds, just as they’ve done so many times before.  Patrick is the first to reach out, softly repeating _Sam_ in his head.  He gets a response finally. 

 _Eric.  Not Jonny.  Eric._  

Patrick opens his eyes and stares at the photo, at the same time he starts thinking _Jon._

_Jon and Patrick.  Us.  You and Eric.  Us._

Jon reaches for Sam at the same time.  He can already feel the confusion, the anger at Patrick mounting in Sam.  He thinks about the picture.  Images of Sam and Eric rush towards him.  This time, instead of sending thoughts about him and Patrick, Jon pushes the image of the photo to the front. 

 _Patrick and Jon.  Patrick and Jon. Patrick and Jon._  

Jon pushes the thoughts at Sam.  As if it is coming from a distance, Jon can suddenly make out Patrick’s voice. 

_Jon is Eric.  I love Jon.  Jon and Patrick.  We love Jon.  We love Jon.  Jon and Patrick._

The images from Sam change.  There is just one image now, the photo.

_Jon and Patrick.  No.  No.  Eric.  Eric is gone.  Eric is gone.  I need to go.  I need to go.  I need to go._

Patrick cries out in pain and grabs his head.  Jon’s eyes snap open.

“Patrick.  What’s wrong.”

Patrick rocks back and forth in pain for several minutes, then abruptly stops.

“Patrick?”  Jon has his arm around Patrick’s shoulders, holding him gently, his other hand on Patrick’s leg.  “What happened.”

Patrick sits up, a horrified look on his face.  “He’s gone.”

“Who, what?”

“Sam.  Sam is gone.  I can’t feel him.  It got all bright again, Jonny, like it’s been, but there was this sharp pain and then.  He, it, my soul’s gone.”

“That can’t be, Peeks.  You can’t, you’d be, well” Jon sounds as scared as Patrick looks.  “Maybe he’s just blocking us out again.”

“No, Jonny.  He’s gone.  I know it.  He’s gone.”


	18. Soulless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't live without a soul. Jon knows this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short... really short... will make up for it with the final chapter...

“How do you live without a soul?”Jon asks Dr. Stewart.“You can’t, can you?I know some people never find their soulmate, but everyone at least has a soul.Right?”

It’s been a week since Patrick felt Sam’s presence leave.They’d cut their vacation short and come back to Chicago right away because Patrick had pretty much freaked out about it.And, Jon truly was worried that Patrick would actually die without his soul.

“Well, that’s true, everyone has a soul.But actually, you can, and people do live full lives without ever being aware of their souls.You and Patrick are a rarity in how aware you are of yours and your past lives.”She smiles at him, trying to lighten the mood in the room.“I don’t really think Patrick doesn’t have a soul, however.I think that it has just shut down, closed itself off from you and Patrick.”

“Why?”Patrick sighs.“Why would it do that?Why would he?”

“From what you’ve told me, your soul couldn’t or wouldn’t face the fact that Jon and Eric were the same soul.And it couldn’t go on without Eric.”

“That means I’ll never be able to bond with it, with Patrick?”Jon’s question come out barely audible.

“Not in this lifetime.I’m sorry.”

“So, in the future?Will they? Will we?”Patrick reaches for Jon’s hand.

“I think so.I don’t think you’ll both go through other lives alone.Time and distance may be the key for Patrick’s soul.As I told you, there’s little reference to knowing about past lives that were so recent.”

\------------------------------------------------------------­

They settle back into their life in Chicago, getting ready for the start of training camp and the new season.Without Sam’s presence in his head, Patrick seems to be able to focus on hockey again.The haunting images of Jon down on the ice no longer an issue.

The more time that passes since Sam blocked them out, the less Patrick feels the link he’d started developing with Jon.He tries thinking about something he’d like, but Jon doesn’t bring it.Jon says he can’t hear Patrick in his head any more either.But, they are together.And that’s what matters.

There friends filter back to the city.Sharpy and Brent take each of them out to lunch, to get caught up and make sure Patrick and Jon are doing okay.They worry about Patrick.While he’s looking forward to playing, there is something sullen and detached about him.It’s as if he is just going through the motions of life.

Patrick looks happy.He smiles.He laughs.He jokes with his teammates.But if you look at him, really look at him, the way Jon does, you see it.There is no spark in his eyes.No blush in his cheek.No warmth behind his voice.He just… is.

Jon makes a point of finding time every day to try and contact Patrick’s soul, to reach out to Sam.He sends thoughts of love and forgiveness, happy images of his life with Patrick, and even thoughts of Eric.But there is nothing there.The quietness is deafening.It’s strange to him that even though he has Patrick, loves Patrick, is with Patrick… his soul feels so very alone and lost.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A month into the season things start to change.Patrick starts losing weight.Rapidly.Soon he appears drawn, haggard.His cheeks sunken, eyes hollow.Something is really wrong.He has no energy.The team runs a barrage of medical tests, all turn up nothing.After just two weeks, they place him on IR because he doesn’t have the strength to skate, barely has the strength to get up out of bed.

All he does is sleep, feeling lethargic when he is awake.The closer they get to Patrick’s birthday, the farther away he slips from life.When Patrick stops eating, Jon calls the Kanes and takes Patrick to the hospital.The Blackhawks scratch Jon for the next three games as he refuses to leave Patrick’s side.

“You said he could live without his soul!You said it probably wasn’t even gone!”Jon yells at Dr. Stewart.“How the fuck do you explain what’s happening to him?”

“Jon.” She starts, but he cuts her off.

“No, don’t say a word.Figure out how to fix this.He’s fucking dying, isn’t he?I can’t lose him.Do you understand me.You need to figure out how to fix this.Bring Sam back, do something.”

Donna Kane reaches out and puts her hand on Jon’s arm, steadying him.

“This isn’t helping him, Jon.” She whispers.

“It’s fucking helping me.” He turns and storms off down the hallway away from Patrick’s room.

He needs to not be here right now, not watching Patrick get weaker and weaker.It’s over an hour before he returns.He silently walks into Patrick’s room, sits down in his chair and leans his head down onto Patrick’s arm.Donna, sitting in the other chair that’s become a fixture next to the bed, rubs her hand soothingly up and down Jon’s back.

“Just be here with him, Jon.That’s what we need to do now.Don’t let him be alone when the time comes.”


	19. One True Pair... For All Of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people believe that for each pair of souls, there is one lifetime which marks them forever.  It could be one of their first bonds, or their hundredth bond.  But the story goes that when the two souls finally have that bond, have that lifetime, they will forever know each by those names.  Their one true pair names.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And all good things must end... and all endings must be happy?
> 
> Thank you for reading my story, for the kudos and the comments. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr. PensToTheEnd there, too. And if you liked this, and my writing style, consider going and giving some of my other works a read.

July 2147

The little blond haired boy tosses more sand into the bucket, tamping it down firmly.  Once it’s filled, he carefully flips it over, placing it next to the other bucket shaped mounds of sand in front of him.  He taps the edges and lifts gently, leaving a neat pile of sand.  A shadow falls across the half-finished sand castle.  Shading his eyes, he looks up.  Something electric sparks in his chest.

“Can I help you with your sand castle?” A dark-haired boy asks, waiting until the he gets a yes before he plops down in the sand next to the blond.

“I’m Adam,” the blond says as he hands the other boy a bucket and shovel.

“Scott.” Is the response as the boy starts filling the bucket that will leave a mound shaped like a castle turret when emptied.  “This bucket’s awesome.  I don’t have anything like this.”

“I have lots of buckets and stuff,” Adam reaches for one of the others.  “We can build a giant castle.”

The two boys spend the day playing in the sand and water until Scott’s parents call for him to leave.  Adam spontaneously reaches out and hugs Scott when he tells him good-bye.  Something electric sparks in Scott’s chest as well.  He keeps turning to wave at Adam as he walks away.

\--------------------------------------------------------

_November 2009_

_Patrick’s birthday is tomorrow.  Jon’s not sure Patrick will still be with them tomorrow.  He sits back in his chair.  Donna is asleep on the small cot the hospital brought in.  Pat, Sr. is sleeping in the recliner across the room._

_Patrick is asleep.  It takes several minutes for Jon to be sure, however.  Patrick’s chest barely rises and falls as he breathes.  Jon gets up and climbs into the bed next to him, lifting Patrick’s head to place it gently on his chest.  He curls his arm around so he can run his fingers through Patrick’s curls._

_A feeling of déjà vu, of having held Patrick like this before, overwhelms him and he has to close his eyes until he can calm himself, fighting back the tears.  Patrick’s soul is gone.  Patrick can’t live without a soul.  Patrick is going to die._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------_

September 2160

Eighteen-year-old Adam Carpenter hangs the poster on the wall of his dorm room at the university.  It’s a very old picture in a plain frame, but it is his favorite.  He found it in a sports memorabilia store when he was just little.  It reminded him of the dreams he had about the two hockey players.  Dreams that had started the summer after he turned five.  That was the summer he’d met Scott.

Adam remembered the dark-haired boy, about the same age as him, even though he’d never seen him since that day.  He wonders what he’d look like today.  Is he tall?  Is his hair still cut short?  Is it as dark as Adam remembers?  Does he remember Adam?

It was after he’d met Scott that he began to have dreams.  Dreams about different times, different places.  The one about playing hockey was his favorite.  In his dream, it is as if he is on the ice himself, skating full-speed, weaving through other players to score a goal.  Then he is celebrating with another person, hugging and yelling at each other.  He can never make out any names on the uniforms, so the two players in the poster are who he imagines the players in his dream to be.  It just feels... right.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

_November 2009_

_Jon closes his eyes and listens to Patrick breath against his chest.  He tries to empty his mind.  To clear away the panic and fear of Patrick dying.  He has to try one last time to find him.  For Patrick._

_Sam._

_Jon calls out in his mind, sending the thought out into the vastness of the world.  He sends it all.  His fear.  His loss.  His love._

_Please.  Don’t let him die.  Sam.  Please come back.  We can be together if you come back.  Eric.  Your Eric._

_All he senses is emptiness.  Darkness.  Nothing._

_A tear rolls down his cheek._

_\----------------------------------------------------------_

October 2160

He’s been there a month when it happens, when he feels it.  He walks into the large dining hall to get dinner with a few of his friends when something sparks in his chest.  A familiar feeling washing over him.  He stops in his tracks and looks around the room.  Near the windows sitting at a table by himself, Adam spots a tall boy with dark hair and dark eyes.  He excuses himself from his friends and makes his way across the room.

He stops next to the table and waits for the other boy to look up.

“Scott?” Adam asks, tentatively.

“Yes.  Can I help…” A spark of recognition hits him.  “Adam?”

When Adam reaches out his hand, Scott takes it in a firm grip.  The jolt of electric nearly knocks Adam off his feet as their souls entwine in a strong, fiercely possessive bond.

“Holy shit,” Scott whispers.

“Yeah, holy shit.”  Adam says as he sits down.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

_November 2009_

_Jon stirs.  He finds the clock on the wall, makes out the time in the dim light.  It’s early, not quite 5 AM.  He listens for Patrick’s breathing, relieved that he can feel it against his chest.  But.  Something is different._

_Jon feels a warmth in his chest, spreading out from his center.  Then he feels the small, sharp prickling electrical shocks that course over his skin everywhere he is touching Patrick.  This is it, Jon thinks.  My soul can feel Patrick dying.  This is what it feels like.  Then he hears the words drifting slowly in to his mind._

_Jonny.  Jonny.  My Jonny._

_“Patrick?”  Jon whispers._

_“Mmmm... Jonny...”  Patrick snuggles against Jon._

_Jon reaches up and turns on the light behind the hospital bed, then he slides out from underneath Patrick and sits up._

_“Patrick?  Peeks?  Wake up.”  Jon gently pushes on Patrick’s chest.  His hand feels like it’s on fire when it’s against Patrick’s skin._

_“Wha... It’s too early, Jon.”  Patrick whines.  “Go back to sleep.”_

_“Peeks!  Wake up!”  Jon says louder.  Donna and Pat, Sr., stir at the noise.  “Patrick, wake up!”_

_Donna sits up with a start, panic taking over when she hears Jon.  When she sees him trying to get Patrick to respond.  This can’t be.  Please god, she begs. “Oh god, no!  Jon, please no!”_

_“No!  He’s not, he’s not, we, we’re...” Jon shouts at her before going back to try and wake Patrick.  “Patrick, god damn it.  Wake up!”_

_Patrick’s eyes snap open.  He looks up at Jon and it hits him, the jolt of energy surges through him.  Not like touching an electric fence, but more like grabbing on to a 10,000-volt tension wire.  The bright white light rushing back into his brain blinds him.  His body tingles all over._

_“Jonny?” Patrick blinks a few times, then his eyes fix on Jon’s._

_Jon sees it.  They are bright, shining, full of life.  He clenches his own eyes shut and calls out in his mind._

_Sam.  Thank you!  Thank you!_

_He feels the other soul.  Reaching out.  Embracing.  Weaving around, over, under and all through Jon’s soul.  Jon’s heart nearly bursts when he gets a response to his calls._

_Patrick.  Patrick.  Your Patrick._

_It is clear, and firm, and absolute._

_Patrick.  Not Sam._

_\--------------------------------------------------_

October 2160

“Soulmates.”  Adam whispers as he sits down at the table with Scott.

“Soulmates.”  Scott smiles at him.  “I knew, that day at the beach.  I felt something strange and asked my mom about it.  She told me that’s what it probably was.  We never went back, though, so I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“I had no idea back then.”  Adam admits.  “I was what, five.  I thought it was just something I ate.”

Scott laughs.  He has yet to let go of Adams hand, holding it softly.

“Funny how we both ended up here.  Fate.” 

“I guess so.”  Adam sounds skeptical.

“No, I mean really.  My mom said that if our souls had recognized each other when we were so young, they’d find a way to get together some day.  They’d draw us in the same direction.”  Scott explains.  “And, well, I started hoping that maybe you were here when the dreams started.”

“Dreams?  What kinda dreams?”

“About us.  About our past lives together.  That’s what my mom thinks they are.  I had a couple after that first time, then they stopped.  But they came back at the beginning of this semester.”

Adam tips his head, giving Scott an odd look.  “Past lives?”

“Yeah.  Don’t you believe that souls live on even after we die?  That they come back in different people?”  Scott picks up his phone.  “Find Kane and Toews Article.”  He says at it, then looks at Adam.  “There’s this famous case study about souls.  It’s old, like from over a hundred years ago.  It’s about these two hockey players and...”

“Hockey players?  Kane and Toews?”  Adam interrupts him.  “Holy shit.”

“What?  You’ve heard about them?”

“No.  I mean, yes.  It’s hard to explain.” Adam swallows hard, “I’ve had dreams, too.  About other times.  And well, one of the dreams, it’s about...”

“About what?”

“Come back to my dorm room.  I’ll show you.”

\--------------------------------------------------------

_December 2009_

_“The tree is perfect.” Jon hangs the last ornament._

_Patrick flops down on the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.  He admires their efforts.  “Yep, a pretty good tree if I do say so myself.”_

_“And we’ll get to enjoy it this year.”  Jon adds, joining Patrick on the couch._

_It’s the 20 th of December.  They are past the 16th and nothing bad happened, in fact, something positive had happened.  Patrick had played in his first game since November.  He’d even scored a goal._

_Jon wrapped his arm around Patrick’s shoulders so Patrick could snuggle in against his side.  He closed his eyes and felt for Patrick’s soul._

_My Patrick._

_The automatic response of ‘My Jonny’ came back.  He’d tried a couple of times asking it about Sam, but all that came back were the words gone, love, and Patrick.  Sam is gone.  And somehow, someway, Patrick has his soul.  A soul that bonded with Jon’s that day in the hospital.  On Patrick’s birthday, the day Jon had thought he would lose Patrick.  Instead, he had gotten him back.  A gift from the soul that had been Sam, he was sure._

_“I love you, Jonny.”  Patrick nuzzles Jon’s neck._

_“I love you, Peeks.”  Jon kisses Patrick’s forehead._

_Dr. Stewart was dumb-struck.  She didn’t know what to make of it, other than that Jon’s love for Patrick was so strong that it pulled his soul back.  Not just Jon’s love for Patrick, but Joshua’s love for Alexander.  Petr’s love for Vladi.  Christian’s love for Micah.  Eric’s love for Sam.  Or really, Sam’s love for Eric.  For Jon.  Love that knew no boundries across time.  Two souls that had the strongest bond she had ever seen, the strongest bond she’d ever heard about.  She’d told them she wanted to write about them for the medical journals._

_Normally souls only have a vague memory of past lives.  That’s what everyone thought, that was until they read the story of Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane.  Then more people came forward, saying that they remembered other times.  People were skeptical, but those who knew Jon and Pat, that had been there, they knew the truth.  They knew that when the bond between two souls is so great, nothing is impossible._

_Souls are funny things.  Love is a funny thing.  Both are very powerful things.  There are new souls that have only known one or two lifetimes.  Maybe they haven’t even meet their soulmate in those few lifetimes.  Haven’t formed any bonds.  Then there are old souls.  Souls that have floated through time, experienced more lifetimes than they can remember.  Souls that bonded before time began.  Soul that are forever drawn to each other across eternity._

_Some people believe that for each pair of souls, there is one lifetime which marks them forever.  It could be one of their first bonds, or their hundredth bond.  But the story goes that when the two souls finally have that bond, have that lifetime, they will forever know each by those names.  Their one true pair names._

_Jon reads Patrick a story about that theory one day.  Patrick smiles at him when he finishes._

_"It's nice to think Eric and Sam will always have each other." Patrick muses.  Patrick is sure his soul is really Sam, that Sam just chooses to be Patrick for this life because Jon does not feel like Eric to him._

_Jon just smiles back.  He knows the truth._

_\-----------------------------------------------------_

October 2160

Scott follows Adam into the dorm room.  He stops dead still in his tracks when he sees the poster.  He knows the moment the picture depicts.  He’s read about it.  Read the articles about them.  Now he knows why he has been so fascinated by their story.  Images of that day flash into his mind.  Memories of that life.

The poster is of the two of them.  Standing in the middle of an ice rink holding hands.  They are looking up into the rafters where two banners hang.  The ceremony to retire their numbers.  Together.  Always together.  Years played.  Records broken.  Stanley Cups won.  Retirement.  Raising kids.  They’d done it together as a bonded pair.

Scott looks at the names on the banners.  TOEWS and KANE.  He looks at Adam who is standing there, smiling.

“Patrick.” Scott says.

Adam steps to him, reaches up and cups his face. 

“Jonny.” He says as he leans up to kiss his soulmate.


End file.
